Day 18: Have a Heart-to-Heart With God

My long time friend Priscilla sent me this self-care routine: 

[P]ray 1st thing in the morning. By pray I really mean like have a heart-to-heart with God   about anything that I have on my mind and things that I'm especially thankful for.

I love my Priscilla and know that her faith is and has been extremely important to her  personal development. Yet, I admit that I was skeptical and scared of this performance. Scared and skeptical because for the past several years I've literally been asking and wondering how do I have a conversation with God? I know intellectually what it means to "pray" but how do you really open up your heart and have a conversation with a higher power? It isn't that I don't believe, I just wonder about intention, performance, and sincerity when it comes to faith and prayer--is there a right and wrong way to do it, especially if I haven't been the most regular attendant of church and haven't made a habit of speaking to God regularly. So, last night, in "preparation" for this performance, I gchatted with Priscilla and asked her: "[W]hat does that [having a heart-to-heart with God] look like? [D]o I get down on my knees? [H]ow do you talk to God? I mean you specifically but also generally." Priscilla's reply was thoughtful and bares repeating [as written]: 

[S]o obviously it's up to you and what works for you but I will tell you how it works for me- For me there is no ceremony surrounding this "act"- I don't have to get on my knees etc. It's not a religious act it's something spiritual between me and my heavenly father[.] It's as if I am talking to my closest friend in the world, but even greater than that- there's no inkling of fear, shame, or doubt if He's listening[.] It's like a release I share whatever's on my mind- whether that means picturing things that I know I have to do during the day with a positive result and then releasing all of my worries about it. I usually thank God for my life and the life of the ppl that I love- dedicating time to picture each one. Usually all of this is done internally but if something is weighing especially heavy on my heart I might speak outloud. 

1 key element is really trusting so I always confess things in the positive so for example if I'm feeling under the weather instead of focusing on what I DO NOT want I focus on what I DO want, as if it's already mine ex: "Thank you, father for my health. Thank you for me recuperating the strength that I need to do everything on my plate today., etc. etc.

Oh, I guess one more thing is that I think it's important to do it first thing in the morning before you get bombarded with all of the stresses of the day and when you do feel yourself getting bombarding during the day I think it's important to take a few minutes to get quiet mentally and spiritually and remind yourself of that conversation that you already had and that you've already handed over your worries, doubts, fears, any negativity to God so you don't shouldn't be holding on to them. [O]k, I think that's really is all for now.

I quoted Priscilla at length (P, if you read this, don't be mad!) because it was a profound way of guiding my performance/prayer this morning and it had a lasting effect on my day. I rolled over in bed after hitting the snooze button and opened my eyes only to close them again. I began to really think about all that I grateful for, apprehensive of, and needed clarity on for my day's journey. A crude recreation of my prayer includes the following acknowledgements:

• Thanks for my breath, my health, and the energy and strength to tackle the day ahead
• Thanks for the lives and well being of my mother, father, and sister
• Thanks for the network of support and the friends around me 
• Thanks for the clarity of mind and spirit to make choices that are healthy, whole, and necessary for improving the quality of my life.
• Thanks for all that I have learned from my time with "E," even for the pain that comes with growing emotionally. 
• Thank you for my Godmother
• Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart 
• Thank you God for the support you will pour over me throughout this day

It was a quiet and humble ritual...but today I felt very calm (?), introspective (?), light-filled (?). I'm not sure how to describe the sensation--as though my body is just about to get butterflies. The morning's prayer and communion with God allowed me to think about my course for the day and how I wanted to and could manifest the type of spirit/day that I had invoked in my conversation with God this morning. The residue of the conversation could be felt in my yoga practice, my travels to school, and even how I engaged with my reading assignments for the day. It was humbling and also strengthening, and I found both results to be pleasant surprises.