A Conclusion Of Sorts: Performances I Didn't Get To

I was talking to a friend of mine this morning. She asked me if I felt a sense of closure on this performance piece, my answer is not really. I'm still waking up wondering what today's self-care ritual will be and perhaps that is a good thing, to have it built into my daily practice; but it does put me in an awkward position of what to do with this blog and how to call it quits. I'm hoping that my promise to include the performances I never got to will allow me to "end" the more formal components of this project, while keeping you/anyone who stumbles on this page inspired to do your own self-work. 

An *asterisk* means that I sort of incorporated this performance into my day but didn't make it the main performance practice of the day. It goes back to how often we engage in self-care but don't call it such.

A #pound sign# = multiple of people suggested this or some version of this performance. When I felt like a difference was fundamental, I included the variations. 

I made the choice not to disclose names. They are clumped by how I received them and somehow it felt  too personal to put all of someone's self-care practice up on a public domain. If you want me to name your practice just shoot me an email/FB message/text and I will absolutely credit you. 

50 Unperformed Practices:

1. Tell someone something you've never told them.

2. Feel your breath, think about yourself as only breathe and nothing more than that. Feel how incredible it feels to feel alive with breath. Close your eyes and picture things that feel good without the limitations of gravity, or space or time.

3. Can I cultivate some impulse that I have no desire to 'control' or direct? There is a little me (I imagine it is my five year old self) that barks out orders knowing exactly what path I am on. I have learned to trust that as I watch my world go crazy yet again that this voice will take control when it needs to and direct me on to where I need to be. I trust in baby-steps. Tonight I brought groceries and I was proud of my purchases, feeling like I stocked up the fridge well with the right items for the right price. As I left Dominick's I gave myself a "well done you!" It's silly, it's a baby-step. But its the little director inside me bathing me in an instance of self-love.   It's trite, but I guess if I had to name this as a practice it would be that I work to allow myself the little bit of rope to go out on a ledge and wholly believe in the little voice inside. I practice going out further on that ledge. On believing in what that voice tells me. And trusting that if I follow all will be right, all will be at peace. Heck, its gotten me this far... 

4. Another thing I love is grating fresh ginger in a glass of hot water with honey and drinking it in bed while reading. 

5. Repotting plants is nice too. 

6. Getting massages (#)

7. Having sex

8. Binge watching mindless tv (*) (#) 

9. Have music everywhere I go. This may seem silly, but I am so motivated by music that I need to have it in my environment as much as possible (at all times?). Whether I am just listening to it or creating it, singing edifies me; music soothes my soul. (*)

10. Be Myself. It's easy to be yourself when it is celebrated or en vogue, but being myself when it doesn't fit traditional nor alternative guidelines has been a perpetual act of self-love. Releasing the need to be understood took a while to develop. That means sticking to my guns in a corporate environment when it isn't always "logical"; or in a spiritual context, not following the crowd when I do not feel lead by God to do so. (*)

11. Plus a good pedicure doesn't hurt. (# and/or manicure at a nice salon)

12. To be outside even though its getting brick [cold] out (*).

13. The one thing I really have that is self-love is I try to eat really delicious food. Not necessarily fancy food, but definitely delicious food. (*) 

14. Find a great podcast and take a long walk to the lake. I like to listen to great stories told by funny people I admire as I look out at the water. Ideally, it will be a sunny weekday with a chill in the air and I'll be the only person around. (*)

15. See an improv show at iO. I like to go alone and sit in the back so I can watch people's reactions (but let's go together, please).

16. Massages. Hot stone. I guess it's what most people think of when they think of pampering themselves but to me massages are a tad more spiritual.  The breathing is especially important to me during a massage and while I enjoy how wonderful my body feels, I do a check-in with my spirit and make sure it's also aligned. If it isn't, I breathe even deeper. In and out.

17. Long walks. So much to see in NYC and I find a new "spot" every time I leave my apt. So I'll either walk in central park or along the East River.  I have a restless mind so when I wake up in the morning the first thing I do now is walk. It clears all the madness outta my head.

18. Dance party in my room. LOL! Sometimes I'll just throw on my fav songs and party like I'm having a sleep over, but it's just me. And I act as silly as I wanna. (#)

19. I love doing new things so whenever I'm feeling a lil stuck I might get a tattoo, jump out of a plane, eat a pouched egg (lol) or flirt with a random stranger on the street using only my eyes. Why not? Yes, I'm crazy but those little things switch it up, move me out of my comfort zone and make me feel alive.

20.  Move. I love to move physically and this apt is sooooo small. Sometimes I'll rent a room at a studio and just move. I might play music. I might not. But there are times when I need to just express myself physically and I go there to release that, whatever it is. Makes me feel connected to my body and motion definitely creates emotion.

21. One way I self-love is photoblogging via social media apps (namely, Instagram and Tumblr). I take photos of things/people I enjoy. Since I do so many things, I've found it really enjoyable to document all the places I get to go and the people I get to meet. When I'm down and/or exhausted, I like looking through the pictures to remind myself that my life is, in fact, awesome, and I'm surrounded by tons of people who are so willing to give, share wisdom/experiences, and care for me. 

22.  I am doing The Artist's Way, which has been helping me get back into a clearer creative practice and understand some of my goals.

23. When I get home from work I try to immediately watch a TV show. I don't care if its on TV or Netflix (DOWNTON !). I sometimes watch a movie, but if so its one for comfort or to distract me. I could find myself working all day and it helps me transition work to home. (#)

24. I also make art when possible. Sometimes for myself, sometimes for others. I would try just sitting with yourself in silence and making something for a half an hour then writing about the piece and "talk to it" for another 15- 30 minutes. It really helps process what may be going on. 

25. But oh, your request makes me draw a blank as well. Techniques for engaging in self-love? I guess I just don't use those terms. But I do carve out time and space for my work, and take my work seriously even when I'm not sure anyone else does, and since I've dropped any expectation of art world "success" these are things I do just for myself. Does that help? (* THIS WHOLE PROJECT)

26.  Tutor/mentor a child

27.   I have an alter. Its simple, sage, a candle, Buddha and an old camera. I honestly very rarely sit at it, but its in my line of sight.....And when I sit, its about keeping my thoughts on one topic, staying present.

28. I have a high pressure, time consuming, thought consuming job. So I consciously made the decision to not check work email once I leave work. I've dedicated my time outside of work to  focus on my  other ventures, artistic, establishing working out routine, reflection time, etc.

29. I find it essential to maintain little reminders that carry me through my waves of active engagement with self love - I got some heart shaped ice cubes and somehow putting those little love symbols in my beverage can be a secret source of uplifting, its so cheesy but I can't help but think about loving myself when I use them...

30. I wear a ring that is a symbol of my self love and care, I have a couple of rings that I purchased with this in mind, they hold this meaning for me and I fill them with intention... in some ways I see then as symbols to remind me that I am responsible for my happiness, remind me not to lose myself in relationships or other consuming aspects of life...

31. Jewelry actually contributes to my self love and care in many ways - most of my jewelry has been created or gifted by significant people in my life... I often consider which jewelry to wear based on my needs for the day, and the energies that those people represent in my life it may be strength, creativity, confidence, intuition, patience... I can call on the influences of those people in my life...and the symbolism is powerful 

32. Also going out dancing with myself... I used to shy away from rolling solo to the club but I love love love dancing to a good reggae sound system and  over the last few months I've found that I enjoy being alone in the crowd, I have to start the night with the intention of feeling good and enjoying myself on my own time... and then I do... it actually fills me up for awhile, I can feel myself beaming with love in the midst of all kinds of energies...

33. Think about the things I did when I was a child that made me happy. Think about my children. My self-care this semester has been me actively making time to not dance/write/think about dance. I make myself shut those things out and go actually be friends with my friends. Sometimes we do absolutely nothing. Sometimes we watch tv. Sometimes we go to the bar. Even during the week when I've been dancing for 6 hours that day, I will still make myself go home and have dinner with my boyfriend or we at least show up at each others houses even if it's just to sleep. What we do isn't important. It's just the idea of intimately connecting with someone/something that has nothing to do with academia. It's revitalizing and thus makes me a better artist in the long run. Yeah, that's the point. Making a point to not do art sometimes makes me a better artist. 

34. I dance in my living room and I have playlists that i create with music that inspires certain emotions for me. If I'm angry i have an angry playlist, if I'm feeling joyful i have that playlist, if I I'm sad I have that playlist. I listen to it and I dance around. Playlists can be however long...as long as you find a song that fits what your're feeling. That has been a coping mechanism of mine for as long as I was a kid. 

35. I spend time with my daughter in a quiet setting just talking and hugging.... she brings me back to life when Im stressed. 

36. I meditate in a field at midnight on a full moon -- :-) I bring everything that I love in terms of scents (oils) and things handed down to me by my grandmother (her Andean manta/ poncho), flowers and symbols of peace. I dance, I offer to la Pachamama (Mother Earth) and meditate until I feel connected to her/ myself. Yes, Im a damn hippie, but you should know that by now :-)

37.   I take a hot bath with Lavender essential oil ( enough drops that I can smell it) like aromatherapy or Neroli essential oil. Sometimes I pop one or a few oranges or limes in there to (whole) exfoliate with. I light a few candles and chillax. (#)

38. DANCE of course - I feel best or I feel I shake off the negative energy with Afro- Caribbean dances with live music and singing. (# or African Diasporic)

39. Another one : I do Andean healing rituals taught to me by grandma, a little complicated to explain, but it involves cleansing the aura with an egg - its best that someone does it for you. The purpose of the egg is to serve as a balanced energy that evens out your aura as its passed over the skin - like an aura "haircut". Theres more to it, but I've been doing this since I was a little girl. (This faith practice is Choli's)

40. Cultivating awarenesses that are unfamiliar to me---that would be a recommendation for self-love—in the way that the way I usually take things in is to either a.) not or b.) route them immediately into a rationalist & analytic framework, skirting around the heart and body-way of feeling.

41. Simplify—to whatever degree is possible at any time.

42.  Okay To be honest it took me a long time to figure out what I do for self-care. I kept coming up blank. Which led me to realize that I don't take care of myself as often as I need to, if at all. And I got scared, and obviously didn't want to just send you bullshit. But after a ridiculous bout of feelings that kept coming and going the last couple of weeks, it dawned on me that the one thing I kept coming back to (albeit timidly and with some...okay alot of fear)- was making music. Specifically, making music so that it doesn't necessarily sound good, but is honest and reflective of how and what I'm feeling- even if I can't understand what the fuck that is. Whether it's playing the guitar or playing around with this incredible little thing I found on StumbleUpon called Incredibox, I have to continue to make the promise to myself that I keep making music that scares me and frees me.  Happy Living!

43. Get a professional massage.  there are often deals for first-time sessions so you could hopefully find one for not too expensive...This is also good practice in asking for exactly what you want.  Hard pressure?  Gentle pressure?  All the time spent on your shoulders and neck? No talking?  Different music?  I like pro massages because I can go deep into my sensing body and appreciate the technique of the practioner.  I will pay for a good massage every few months even if it means having to scrimp on food - I feel like its sending my body a message that I really care for her, despite the long nights crouched over the lap-top. 

44. take myself out to dinner.  i guess this is kind of like the taking myself to a show alone thing.  and i know you mentioned that it felt kinda weird to go out alone.  but i enjoy the time, space, and strangely grown-up feeling of sitting alone at a table.  choosing the place, the food, the wine sans input from dates or friends. sometimes it feels like i can taste the food better when i'm by myself. i also like to dress up when i do it.  and, because note-jotting is perenially important to me, i usually bring a notebook to jot things into. (I've termed this, "taking my heart out on a date")

45. Look myself in the eyes in a mirror. When I look at my eyes in the mirror, I usually just look for awhile, and notice my thoughts.  Looking in the mirror makes any self judgments I am carrying apparent because it seems out of place to be critical when you truly look into your eyes.  Sometimes I feel sad, or angry or happy when I see myself but then I keep looking at myself until I feel/see a softening or sense of peace.  It can usually happen pretty quickly, but can feel like a long time emotionally.  Sometimes I tell myself things, and sometimes I just wait for the softening.  Sometimes I will ask myself what I need to hear as I look into my eyes, and an affirmation will usually come up.  It can be as general as, "you are enough" or very specific.  I will then tell myself that a few times as I see myself in the mirror, and try to remember it throughout the day.

46.  Taking 5 minutes to sit and focus on my breathing---and just accept what is going in in my head.

47. Spend time with my pets individually, so they know they are loved and special. (Basically, to give love or love is important to me)


48. Find something funny to make me laugh
 (*) (#)

49. Exercise to clear my head
 (*)

50. Every six months I run away somewhere to cleat my head, usually Memphis


Day 43 (The End): Do Nothing That Doesn't Feel Good

It has been a rather eventful six-weeks and this ending seems unceremonious but fitting. There have been breakdown, break-ups, breakthroughs, breath, and moments of sheer banality. Today I decided to end it on a pleasure seeking note and practice sent by Leila:

Spend an entire day doing nothing that doesn't feel good. especially think about all the activities in your life that are attached to who you are, a student, an artist, your race your gender, a daughter, sister, friend and do none of those things. meditate the whole day on the feeling in your body of all the activities you do and do only the things that feel good and are not attached to any identity but are just attached to the felling of doing them.

It is a difficult and conscious charge: to do things that make me feel good and that aren't tied to my identity or how I understand myself to be in the world. What it did was lift my sense of obligation and limitations. What if I decided that it wasn't irresponsible of me to sleep in past 9am and to listen to my exhausted body (did). What if I forgot that I was broke grad student and decided to buy both myself and my sister a copy of the beautiful book I think we would both adore (I did). What if I took my yoga class and paid attention to how I felt in every position and decided when pushing myself felt great, when it didn't, and I adjusted my stance accordingly (did). What if I cancelled my afternoon plans so I could make myself lunch and relax in my home (did). What if I called my mom just to say 'hi' and not because I felt like I was a terrible daughter and needed to check in (did). What if I decided to go out to dinner with a friend and get that delicious and large appetizer AND the dinner I wanted (did). What if I went dancing, people watching, and decided to jam to the music when I felt like it, sit when I didn't and not care either way (did). What if I danced attentive not of how my body was being read--as sexualized, black, "hetero," too much, etc--and just danced to make me happy and free (did).  It was an easy day...but full of my own conscious choices and demands. It made my day feel like one long playground instead of increments of time that I had no control over. I suppose this all ties into the longer project of self-care...but right now I don't really want to wax poetics and do the labor to connect those dots, so I'm not going to.

Thank you for your time, space, ideas, and reading. A post featuring all the performances I didn't get to will follow soon.

So many thanks,
Kantara

Day 42: Acupuncture

Last week, all I could do was think about my acupuncturist, Elizabeth Heinz, who I haven't seen in five months. I figure it was time to see her since not only could I not stop thinking about getting acupuncture, but a lot of my friends seemed to be reminding me of its praises. 

Michi: acupuncture helped [to listen to her own body]! community acupuncture, affordable acupuncture helped with my issues and helped me start to re-imagine how the things i want to do can happen. community health care. holistic healing. 

Joy: I have found that massage, acupuncture, reiki etc all seem to help more when I am actively involved, saying please and yes and no (especially at the beginning) so that I am co-creating an experience that feels intuitively healing for me...

To my acupuncturist I went. Before our visit I had to let her know that my cash flow is tight (part of the reason I haven't seen her in some time) and I didn't know what I could pay; to my delight she was more than thrilled to let me name my own price, yes to co-creating my experience! I went because I've been feeling exhausted and drained these past few weeks. It will be some time before my body processes and clears out all the toxins/energies, but it felt like I had the best nap of my life on that table and I was totally "chi stoned" as she calls it. What my body really needed: some peanuts and good protein. To which I obliged. 

Day 41: An Impromptu Performance

Yesterday I thought I was going to take a long walk to the lake. That is what I had set out to do. I had even invited a friend who wasn't feeling that well to join me. We coordinated a schedule so that, yes, we might take a long early-evening stroll to the lake together. But it didn't turn out that way. Her day got worst, there were lots of tears and heartbreak and she still had a six-weeks worth of laundry to do. I was on the bus and thought that maybe I should go take my walk to the lake first and then meet up with her. I feared not being able to take a walk...of getting pulled into her sadness and heartbreak when I had been working so hard to get out of my own. I sat on the bus and called myself an asshole. I thought about all the ways that she has been a shoulder for me to cry on and a couch to spend the night on. I went to meet my friend and I thought about a few moments:

Monica telling me of some of her self care practices: 

talk to those closest to me on a daily basis

And a text message I received from Patricia on a day when we were supposed to hang out but I was "messy"; I had been crying all day, was scatterbrained and wanted to give her the option of rescheduling our hang. She wrote: "Aww girl, we can cry together." 

These two moments reminded me of love, of what it means to put yourself aside and to be alongside someone. To trust that my willingness to be present surpasses my fear of getting "caught" in someone else's emotional universe. Her sadness/moments was/is not my sadness/moment, but in being with her in this moment of crisis/frustration I could help to bring her AND myself back to the world. The walk will  have to happen some other time because last night we did laundry, watched movies, ate snacks (....a lot of them), drank wine, and had a sleepover.  

Day 40: Prepare Yummy Food And Take Time To Eat It Slowly

I'm really loving food right now. From last week's cleanse, to Sunday's cooking with Miles, and yesterday's junk food +my bed,  I've been doing lots of food related self-care. Today is no different. My friend Vanna's self care includes, "preparing yummy food and taking time to eat it slowly." I asked her to elaborate a bit more and tell me what kind of food she would normally prepare and she gave me gold: 

On the food front, I usually prepare anything that is yummy and will make my body feel good and nurtured after I eat it.  My favorite things are stews and curries with veggies on the side.  I have pasted a recipe for lamb/beef stew that I make for friends postpartum, that I find very nurturing for myself as well.  You can also make it veggie by substituting extra beans and dried apricots for the meat.

The recipe she sent me was a Marrakesh Lamb Stew Recipe that I've included below. I got up early and decided to make the stew in the morning so that I wouldn't: 1.) rush the process when I come home from work/yoga and 2.) could enjoy the act of chopping, measuring, and cooking in my home. Man-oh-man. My apartment smelled good this morning but it was especially nice entering after having been gone all day; it felt like stepping into a hug. In order to spend time eating slowly I decided to cut out the typical distractions: no computer, no cell, no book, no television. Just me, my bowl, and my chewing. While the process of cooking was meditative in itself the eating sans distraction allowed it all to come full circle. For my body and senses to feel all the particularities: the textures of the stew (those potatoes are so perfectly done); the color of the stew (the perfect shade of orange and reds); and what I was tasting/in need of (the sweetness of the dried fruits; it could use some salt). I'm having a foodie moment. 

Marrakesh Lamb Stew Recipe (as told by Vanna):

*Vanna used ground lamb so I did as well. You can substitute extra beans or dried apricots for meat. I had 1lbs of ground meat and added apricots for the rest.

 

1.5 lbs boneless lamb, beef or venison chopped ()

Brown in batches in soup pot.  Set aside

     

1 large onion (chopped)

2 cloves garlic (minced)

Stir into drippings and cook until translucent and tender.  Return meat to pot.

 

5 med carrots chopped

2 cups stewed tomatoes (Vanna+I used fire roasted)

2 med turnips or 1 rutabaga chopped

1 med potato chopped

1 cup broth, water or tomato juice (Vanna+I used beef broth)

1 cinnamon stick

1 teaspoon each ground cumin, coriander, cloves, turmeric (I went light on the cloves)

1/4 teaspoon crushed hot chilies or more to taste

I pinch allspice or nutmeg

Add and bring to a boil.  Cover, reduce heat and simmer 40 minutes.  (Vanna added more broth during this time and said you can see how it goes, I added all my broth in the beginning because my "med" turnips ended up being not-so-medium).

 

2 cups cooked chickpeas

1/2 cup pitted prunes

1/2 cup raisins

Stir in and cook until vegetables are tender, an additional 10 minutes

 

Serve with parsley, rice and/or slivered almonds if desired

Some  Ingredients (my computer is acting up and I can't send you the final picture.....but the stew is PRETTY!)  

Day 39: Pajamas, Grey's Anatomy, My Bed, and Junk Food (After I've Brushed My Teeth)

This is so lovely. So so lovely. I just needed to pause what I was watching/my performance and do some quick jotting to capture all of my fuzzy feel-good feelings right now. This is my lovely Carmen's practice:

The I have a bad day self-care routine is that I put on pajamas that are warm and comfortable not cute. Then I wash my face and brush my teeth. This is the awkward part that I don’t tell most people I do, after I brush my teeth I eat junk food. But you have to eat junk food in bed that’s the rule. Then I watch two episodes of Grey’s Anatomy in bed while eating my junk food. (I would be having one of two things—popcorn, popped in a stove top, and you can put any kind of seasoning on it that you like. Tlbs of olive oil. ¼ of kernels for everytable spoon you use. ½ a serving for two. If I wasn’t gonna have that then ben and jerry’s chunky monkey with a spoon, just till one episode is over.)

It wasn't a bad day...but it wasn't entirely a good day either. But I knew what was waiting for me was some popcorn (I've never made it on the stovetop before!) and some time with my bed. I was incredulous about one thing: watching several random episodes of Grey's Anatomy. Carmen suggested two episodes in particular: Season 5, Episode 22 and Season 6, Episode 5. I have a slight ocd thing about television shows: I can't pick up a series in the middle or watch episodes when I haven't seen the previous ones. Moreover, I stopped watching Grey's Anatomy mid-season Season 4. But Carmen "Likes The Girl Who Has The Sandwiches" and the lesbian episodes are some of her favorites so I sucked it up and did the performance. Damn....climbing into bed when I knew what was waiting for me made me happy--popcorn along with rasberries and cookies...because as Carmen reminded me via text, enjoying the junk food is what counts. This moment is making me so happy. AND...Izzie has a brain tumor (I think) and maybe dying which means that Katherine Heigl will no longer be on the show. I know this happened long ago, but it is so nice to enjoy the end of this character....I'm not pro-cancer, just anti Izzie/Katherine Heigl. 

(updated when I began episode 2: Season 6/Episode 5) Darn it all! I just started Season 6 Episode 5, Katherine Heigl is still alive!

.....addendum: End of episode 5, Izzie got fired. 

This performance inspired a lot of happy.

Step 1: Brush Teeth
 (while wearing comfy pajamas)

Step 2: Prepare Popcorn

Step 3: Gather Other Snackage

Step 4: Enjoy Netflix and My Bed

Day 38: Sunday Cooking With Miles

I've been looking forward to this performance for a long time, for some reason, not Sunday seemed like the right Sunday. But today it is a little dark, wet, and gloomy out. I rolled out of bed and pulled a Sherley: 

On Sundays, I cook, usually to miles Davis, there used to be this radio station in NY, 98.7 that had Sunday morning jazz, and the background song during  each segment was this Miles Davis piece, that for the life of I cannot remember, that song, from that album is my Sunday morning cooking soundtrack with some incense burning in the background.

I'm not in New York, nor do I know what that song is...but I have an ipod with "Kind of Blue" on it and Bitches Brew on my laptop and proceeded to chop, saute, peel, and bake alongside Miles. Black coconut seemed like the appropriate incense choice and three sticks burned in my kitchen while I made my lentil and apples stew (I totally made this up as I went along), and baked apples (I have A LOT of apples left over from my cleanse). It was a delightful morning. Miles allowed me to relax and focus on the act of preparing; to not worry about the time and to just enjoy the process. Delightful.

I am clearly not a foodie blogger and take serious liberties with recipes....

Day 37: Be Humble. Ask for Help.

Carina wrote:

Ask for help. I have more issues with this than I realized. There were some things that I deemed "okay" to ask for help with and others, I was essentially shooting myself in the foot. Be humble. Know you can't do everything and put yourself around people who will help you. Even if it is just organizing you day, or telling you to hand in a paper because it's killing your soul to keep working on it. 

I met with a few friends of mine this morning for breakfast. We all Haitian women and are (or were) grad students at the same institution. For the past three years we've had these meetings which have really been more like fellowships: opportunities to talk, eat, laugh, and wax poetics about life, love, and the spirit (in all its forms). Today, I thought I was gonna ask for their help remaining positive in my life. The cleanse reminded me of how easy it is for me to focus on the glass as half-empty. But over breakfast, while chatting with one friend of mine, I "caught a feeling" in response to her comment about my life update, specifically how I was doing post-breakup. She told me that she was sorry I hadn't heard any response from "E." I told her that what I needed her help on was staying positive about the outcome of this event and all things. Though she said, "OK," I still I felt like she hadn't heard me. I spent some time processing and realized that what I needed her help on, wasn't staying positive, but to remind me that getting a response is besides the point and irrelevant. That the empowering work is continuing to be done. I should have been more explicit, that what I need is people to remind me that  I know what I need and am doing something awesome in life and love (at Carina's suggestion, that went on a post-it and is now hanging on my bathroom mirror). I called my friend and told her this and we processed the need for a paradigm shift (from waiting for feedback from another to acknowledging the empowerment of making choices that reflect my/our emotional needs and truths). I'm not sure if she will be able to fully offer me this help and something about the conversations still feels like a misfire but there you have it: my attempt to ask for help. 

Dear readers, please help me: stay positive in my life choices and please periodically remind me that I know what I need and am doing something awesome in life and love. Thank you. ~ Kantara 

Day 36: Hug Yourself And Tell Yourself That You Love You

This morning I was at a lost about what to do for today's performance of self-love/care. I have several options (thank you for the submissions!), but none of them seemed appropriate for how I was feeling; they all would have been a little forced and heartless. Later in the day I received a group email from Tolu, of Ashe Holistic Health (my smoothie cleanse organizer/current health guru) that seemed apropos to all that I needed and wanted:

Nutrition Focus:  Self-Love

Self love means taking the time out to nurture your self mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. For the majority of the day we give our energy and services to others. Take the time to light a candle and meditate. Silent time feeds your soul. Hug yourself and tell yourself that you love you. Go ahead try it now. “I love you your name”

Do those things that feed your spirit, whatever it may be. Please don’t neglect your wonderful self because there is only one YOU.

I sat in my seat a little incredulous....ironic I know. But I did it, I went on and hugged myself and told myself, "I love you Kantara." It was not filled with spirit, I didn't really believe my own words. So I kept on doing it throughout the day: on my yoga mat, randomly as I walked through Target, in my kitchen where I took it a step further, "I love you Kantara for doing things that are difficult and scary but prove to yourself how much you care about you and your well being." I did it on my couch for good measure too. I have to say, as cheesy as that gesture sounds (and is) each hug and each acknowledgement of my love for me got infinitely more spirit-filled, joyful, and more truthful---particularly the moment in the kitchen where I just had to throw hands up and thank me for making some tough but necessary decisions in order to move towards holistic wellness. 

<<<<<<<HUGS: and there you have it. >>>>>>>

Day 35: Do Something That Restores Racial Pride

I am having an extended moment. I don't know if it is Day 4 of this cleanse or what, but I am feeling really internal and vulnerable today. Time is slowed down and I feel hyper-aware of everything around me. For the past few weeks I had it on my calendar to see the River See Lab Experiment, organized/written/directed by Sharon Bridgforth and held at the historic South Side Community Art Center, the oldest black arts space in the country. I resisted the urge to stay home and decide to "just show up" (Day 4), figuring that this would also meet the performance/self-care practice sent to me by Priscilla. She wrote: 

 Since it's especially demoralizing to be a person of color (or any marginalized group) in a school like [predominately white Ivy League institution], in a program like SW [social work] I feel like I have to search out things that help me to restore all of the racial hope & pride that is constantly being drained from me- that might be poetry. dance, art, music, food, anything positive involving Black ppl.

It seems like every time I quote Priscilla's self-care practices (e.g. "heart to heart with God") I have to begin by saying, "I love my girl Priscilla." I love my girl Priscilla, but perhaps timing combined with my head space made me unavailable to successfully perform this outing. Don't get me wrong, the River See Lab Experiment was beautiful, as Sharon's work always is. The amount of blackness and beauty in the historic space was a treasure and there was an abundance of creativity and humor in the room. I just wasn't in the space to be fully present and receptive of it all. Hence my being in an "extended moment"; it is sort of a deep witnessing of what's happening around me, an acknowledgment of its beauty, and a deep contemplation of every single particle including my own response to the works/material/space/bodies in the room.  This makes me wonder about what kind of presence is required when audiencing at a specifically black/African-Diasporic art event....I think it requires a sense of presentness that is without ego and is instead in tune with what is happening right now. I don't think I could do that tonight.

Day 34: Make Myself Some Juice

I think this had kale, spinach, banana, strawberries, and avocado in it....

I've improvised on this one a bit. My old roommate Assi sent me this practice:

i got a juicer, and i make myself a juice when i'm feeling like i want to show myself some love.

I haven't juiced per se, but for the past three days (and for the next two) I have been undergoing a green-smoothie cleanse, supported by Ashe Holistic Health, where I "eat" nothing but smoothies made from fresh fruits and vegetables, drink water and/or herbal tea. I doing this program alongside two other friends of mine. All of us had our separate and varied reasons for undertaking this cleanse, mine were in order to clear out all that is not serving me (emotions, toxins, waste, etc.). For the past three years I've done around two cleanses a year, and the third day is always "hump day" where I'm craving all sorts of foods, from sushi to steak. However hump day is also the day where I feel the effects of the cleanse working themselves through my body (i.e. feeling more focused, a slowing down of the world around me, better waste management---yes, more poop). Right now, by body can only focus on my basic needs: sleep, food, and waste removal. I've also had to pay attention to the ways that my body is processing emotions. Rather then numbing (and perhaps extending?) the negative feelings I've been carrying from late last week, I find myself just "being in it." Allowing whatever feelings (joy, frustration, annoyance, etc.) to come up and work their way out--sans interruption from my mind. I can't fully explain it but it almost feels as though my body/spirit are in ownership of my wants and feelings instead of the other way around. Another interesting note, the urge to dull my senses through a Netflix marathon has also decreased.... 

Day 33: Read Good Fiction/Literature

My fellow grad students understand, there doesn't seem to be too much time to indulge in reading-for-pleasure; most of our precious reading time is spent on required courses or theoretical texts to ground our own research. Today, the sun was SHINING it was WARM and all I wanted to do was to read something delightful, light, and that would remind me about the joy of spending time with a good book. My friend Esther wrote me what she wished she could do for self-care: 

What I wish I had time to do: yoga and read good fiction/literature 

The first I've got built into my schedule, the latter not so much. Today, while heading out my door to a meeting I ignored the stack of books/articles I need to get to and instead grabbed a book I borrowed from my friend Margaret ('call Mom' Margaret): Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. Margaret said nothing but good things about this book and while I am only 20 pages in the book is sweet, clear, and a warm treat. The highlight of reading it: waiting on a bench for my bus to come, the sun shining on me and the pages of the book and feeling as though there was no better place to be but right (t)here. 

Esther, you should join me...

Day 32: Say No

It was a small victory. I was walking back to my apartment from my morning yoga class. As I rounded the corner to my street I saw, standing several blocks away from me but fixed in front of my building, an unmistakable congregation. The womens' sensible loafers, raincoats, modest but impeccable hairdos and outfits, as well as their small but efficient and overstuffed purses let me know that they could be nothing other than Jehovah's Witnesses. I slowed down my pace, hoping that by the time I made it two blocks down to my front door they might move and I wouldn't be forced to meet, greet, and interact with them in my normal awkward fashion. But they were fixed. It seemed as though they were buzzing every floor of my building's unit in order to get somebody---anybody. I chuckled to myself as I walked down the street and examined all my angsts: fearful of this mixed group of elderly women and trying to find someway of not interacting with them (Do I just walk around the block in the opposite direction? Do I run into a shop? Keep my head down and keep it moving?). It isn't that I'm unfriendly....I just didn't want the message or to deal with the insincere encounter...I just don't know how to do all that and still be nice and respectful. Tai's email came to mind immediately as a possible alternative: 

Say No. I used to be the yes-girl and would agree to so much until I burned myself out. Now I use discernment to determine who and/or what I allow myself to be involved with (at all costs). Saying no has become a liberating act of self-love.

I find it difficult to say "no" without feeling a sense of guilt. In this small moment, I thought that I could practice saying "no thank you," but from a source of gentleness, care, and respect for both others and myself. The encounters:

{As I'm walking towards my building's front door, a Jehovah's Witness in her mid-40s approaches me.}

JW1: Hello, how are you? I wonder if could just give you something.... (she is about pull out a leaflet and give it to me)

Me: Oh, no thank you ma'am. (I say this as I stare into her eyes, smile, and keep on walking)

JW1: Oh okay, not a problem.

{My front door, JW2 is standing in front, she's an older women, white hair, and looks like someone's nana}

Me: Morning, excuse me please (we dance around each other)

JW2: Morning. Do you leave here? Do you share a unit with floor 1?

Me: Yes ma'am. No I don't. 

JW2: Oh okay. Can I leave you with this....(she reaches and pulls out a leaflet)

Me: Oh no thank you ma'am (said as I look her in the eye)

JW2: Oh okay. Well could you tell me which unit you're in so that I can mark it down as 'not empty'? 

Me: Sure its [....]

JW2: Oh thank you! 

Me: You're welcome! Enjoy your day. 

I can't describe in full the sentiments exchanged, but it was all peaceful and sweet. I didn't know I could deliver a "no" with as much clarity, simple grace and respect as I did this morning. Small victory.

Day 31: Get Naked

I was raised with two sets of clothes: those for outdoors and those for play/lounging about the house. This morning my housedress was dirty and rather than spending time looking for something else I said, "FUCK IT!" I pulled it off and stayed naked as I did my chores, worked, and lounged about my house. Yep, dishes, sweeping, ordering room to room, checking emails nekkid. My shades were open (Day 3 letting light in!), the sun was streaming in, and there was not a damn thing on my body. I HATE being naked. I don't like feeling my wobbly-bits touching---or being reminded of my wobbly bits. BUT today, given all of the angsty and emotive feelings I've been having this past week, it felt down right liberating to have nothing dividing me from the space that I am living in and occupying. I owe this performance to my sister-friend Courtney:

there is one in particular keeps me happy: Not wearing clothes in my apartment. I jiggle, shake, succumb to gravity all in the confines of my apartment. 

Jiggle I did and it was soooooooooo delightful. A light-hearted way to take in my Sunday.

Day 30: Forgive

Last week, in my mid-performance point, I talked about how this self-care project has forced me to realize many truths about myself. This work has been a mirror of sorts for the ways that I have not been gentle, truthful, and loving towards myself in several capacities. These truths have tended to emerge in moments when I find myself completing a self-care ritual only to turn around that same day/evening and do some unself-loving act (i.e. drinking too much, overeating too much, undersleeping, etc.). In many ways these self-care performances have highlighted my daily performances of unself-care. Saturday, December 1st, Day 30, was a real demonstration of this imbalance of self and unself-care.  I had (have) to acknowledge that I have not been "walking-the-walk" of my performance project and I've been trying to get out of painful sensations and work out of a fear of sitting in deep emotions. Day 30 was about forgiveness and learning to let go and this post comes a little later than my normal update because the performance led to an emotionally intense and awakening set of experiences  that I needed to process out and sit with before I could write. Here's how it began:

1.) My godsister Tai suggested forgiveness as a self-care practice several weeks ago. She wrote: I know it sounds cliche, but forgiving myself and others is truly loving on yourself- for me it signifies release/freedom. When you can see other people's shtuff, you can become jaded. Forgiving others allows me to forgive myself for who I used to be.  

Forgiveness has been a journey for Tai that has included several steps including the following prayer that she shared with me: 

 I forgive _______ for ________ or for any perception of wrong doing. I am free and you are free. 

 I read this prayer in the morning and thought I knew exactly how to fill in the blanks but it didn't become fully clear until I took my morning yoga class, which leads us to....

2.) Justine, my brilliant and thoughtful yoga instructor, guided us in a practice whose theme was "forgiveness." I knew last week that our session today would be focused on forgiveness, but I wasn't aware of how deeply emotive such a practice would be (even as I write this I'm feeling all those emotions rise up). We had several ways of entering forgiveness into our practice:

• Think of a person or a situation, recent or long past, that angered you, frustrated you, hurt you, (or what have you) that you want to let go of and need to forgive.
• Observe where in your body that feeling comes up (i.e shoulders, back, hips, etc.), breath into that space and focus on it throughout your practice.
• During our breath and movement work, on the inhale think to yourself "I"  and on the exhale "forgive"

My practice ended up a combination of Tai's prayer and Justine's guided work:

My situation/person: A few days ago I realized that an important relationship in my life was bringing me more pain than happiness and that this person and I were not yet ready to meet each other with kindness, honesty, and all the things that I need in a partnership/relationship. Basically: my heart hurts from a breakup. In Justine's yoga class I inhaled, "I" and exhaled "forgive {E}." I felt my throat as the source of where these feelings were residing, it felt like it was closing up and needed S-P-A-C-E for air to pass through and open it up. I suppose that makes sense---I had thoughts and feelings that needed to be expressed but I never did/felt that I could. 

In addition to inhaling and exhaling, I included my rendition of Tai's prayer: 

I forgive E for not speaking, for not loving me the way I wanted and need to be loved. I am free and you are free. 

There were lots of tears. Lots. Quite tears and sobs. I wondered how this might be self-care and because of the breakup I've been wondering about my own role in being uncommunicative and unready for truthfulness and honesty both with another person and myself. In class Justine reminded me/us: 

Forgiveness is not just about forgiving the other person, freeing the person is also freeing yourself.

It's like she and Tai were in conversation, and I was being asked to let go not just for "E" but for myself. To trust that everything that had happened, was happening, and will happen are part of some grand plan that I can't comprehend and I need to let go of wanting that comprehension---let go of feeling as though I/we failed. 

Day 30 was a  long and emotion-filled day....but I hope it gets me closer to walking-the-talk of this performance of self-care....and I hope that entry makes sense you because I'm still processing.