Day 29: Bake Bread

Stephanie emailed me all the reasons why this is at the top of her self-care routine: 

Bread baking accomplishes a number of different self-soothing techniques for me:

1. It forces me to exercise. Kneading is a remarkably high-energy process that compels me to focus on what I'm doing rather than ruminating on negative and anxious thoughts.

2. Repetitive physical activity soothes me. I feel in control, and I get to work out a lot of pent-up emotions by beating up dough. It's also a soothing tactile experience, kind of like squeezing a stress ball.

3. I get the satisfaction of a concrete accomplishment at the end of the process - ta-da, it's bread!

4. My apartment smells amazing.

5. My apartment is warm because the oven is on.

6. Fresh bread makes my tastebuds happy.

7. I'm able to feed other people with all the bread I bake, making me feel like I'm contributing to others's well-being which in turn increases my sense of self-worth.

Over to Stephanie's I went this afternoon for a bread-making party. We kneaded and baked a delicious rosemary, fennel and cardamon  baguette (it is so delicious that I need to hide the leftovers in my kitchen so I don't eat it all). Stephanie was pretty on point with her list of reasons; while we were in each other's company and able to distract ourselves with tea, wine, and ridiculous life stories, I can see how the physical act of baking bread alone could be soothing. There really was nothing like slice that bread while it was still warm from the oven and dipping it into olive oil.  I'm not ready to commit to baking bread on my own just yet, but there might be more bread-making parties in the future.

Kneading (Photo by Stephanie!)

The final and yummy result

Day 28: Black Angel Cards Reading

My friend Patricia offered to share one her self-care techniques with me, a tarot reading with a beautiful African-centered and Womanist deck created by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel, the "Black Angel Cards."  For personal reasons, I won't go into too much detail about the reading, but I journaled the following after the fact while heading back home on the train:

I feel like my insides match my outside. Like the heavy feeling of uncertainty and fear has finally come loose and shown me (rather, reassured me because I knew all along) what I need to do in order to truly heal and grow. This will be painful work; the pain that comes with stretching beyond what I thought were my measures. But it will also lead me towards my voice, my truths, and past my fears. 

"The Drummer" by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel
The cards are currently out of print but their is an independent campaign in order to republish. Please consider donating in order to spread the work. 

Day 27: Watch "Under the Tuscan Sun"

I'm mildy ashamed about my love of sentimental movies. In a continued effort to stop taking myself seriously, I'm calling it a night and following Carina's practice: 

Laugh- Sometimes I make myself watch a movie that I know will be ridiculous, romantic and/or inspirational The other day I watched A Little [Bit] of Heaven (streaming on Netflix...the title comes from something so random its a little absurd and hilarious). I would never watch a movie like that with Aaron, and am a little ashamed of watching movies with no real plot value and piss poor acting, but sometimes you need a good laugh and also a good cry. With all the academic reading and critical thinking we do, you just need to shut it all off and watch Kate Hudson be ridiculous. Under the Tuscan Sun- Guaranteed mood booster.*

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun...I love my girl Carina but couldn't bring myself to watch Kate Hudson (maybe later). 27 minutes in and had to pause the film to write this post. I want to enjoy my time with this movie instead of worrying about the "follow up" of writing a blog post. Me and my sofa are going to be best buds tonight. Now here's the important question: where's my gay romantic tour of Tuscany and why can't Sandra Oh be my best friend? 

The DVD menu from my tv screen...I need better photo options :-)

Day 26: Begin A Mindfulness Practice

The discussed candles....

I've been taking myself too seriously.  Carl, a mentor of mine, challenged me today to spend some time not thinking. After I blinked at him unsure about what that meant or how to even go about doing this, he suggested I try the following:

Meditate. Look at a candle and focus on the visceral experience of the candle. Its the beginning of developing a mindfulness practice. Empty your mind.

I wasn't even suppose to think about how the candle was flickering. For five minutes I was supposed to let all thoughts go. Carl said that if I did this activity today as my self care performance he wanted me to email him some of the thoughts that came up. Here's what I had to say:

I went to my yoga studio early to do this work. Lit my candles, sat myself on a mat and bolsters, and set my cellphone timer.  It is amazing how quickly a looong 5-minutes can pass. My brain was rapid fire. Series of thoughts popping up: the lights are flickering and dancing? what will I have for dinner? why can't I forget about so-and-so and what happened so-and-so night? my chest feels heavy and tight? the clock is ticking. I feel like i can't breath. maybe there's too much light and too many candles lit. maybe i should remove the bolster I'm sitting on. is the five minutes up? maybe I should try saying a few "Aum's". I begin saying "aum" and my chest feels a little lighter (I wonder if I am clearing out chakras?). I'm an orientalist. Must read more about chakras and aum before I start using them freely. okay. the aums are helping me to focus. I can be as loud as I need to be. {Phone vibrates. Times is up.}

At present, in writing this email and the ensuing blogpost, my chest feels a little lighter but as though there's more "guck" that needs to be released. It will be interesting to see where this lies in my future and how I can work on letting those things that sit before me *just be* (i.e. candles, people, situations).

Thanks and see you soon,

Kantara

***
A sort of update: I went to my yoga studio early for my work study and to take a yoga class.  I noticed a shift in energies between the time I had meditated and the time students began entering the space for class. It was like I had taken a happy pill.

Day 25: Call Mom

Ugh....I need to say of the bat that this performance failed.  Margaret's self-care performance includes: 

Call my mom. I try to turn the things that stress me out into funny stories to make her laugh.

I didn't have a funny story. Margaret is 'haha' funny and I realize that this form humor is not my strength. As Carina told me via text yesterday, "you're probably one of those inappropriate ironically funny children's party clowns." I can dig that. So I knew that I might not be able to make my mom laugh but I really  just wanted to talk to her and have her tell me that everything was going to be alright. That all my musings about love and life (I've been pretty heady and abstract these days) would settle and that everything is good. NOT WHAT HAPPENED. AT ALL. I forgot that I'm Haitian, my mother is Haitian, and that makes her (and me by default?) pragmatic. Nope; if it gets in the way of my school work then I need to cut out the obstacle. Interestingly enough, our conversation on love (what is it, how does it manifest, etc.) did lead to her sharing more of her personal stories/history with me, stories about her life and loves from before her marriage to my father. It was a glimpse into her world that I have never been granted. I didn't get the balm that I wanted from my conversation with my mother, but I got another piece of her life story that helps me understand who she is today and how and why her truths have come to be what they are in this present moment. 

Day 24: Walk Instead

I woke up this morning frustrated. My night hadn't gone quite as I expected and rather than sleeping off that disappointment it felt like it carried over into my morning and would threaten to taint the rest of my day. I laid in bed jittery and full of angsty-energy, needing to do something to release these feelings  and I had a strong craving for orange juice. I decided to combine these two urges: the doing and the hunt for oj. I made a long walk of my search. Rashida suggested this self-care practice:

My self love activity is put on a gospel song on repeat on your headphones--say Mary Mary's  Survive--and go for a brisk walk all the way to a grocery store or some errand you would normally train or drive to.*

I walked and I walked to and from my local Trader Joe's (4.2 miles round trip). I grabbed my ipod and pounded the pavement. I admit that half of my going to TJ's was spent replaying the events of the previous night (does anyone have a self-care practice for that?!). But at some points my body, the exercise/motion, the music, and endorphins kicked in allowing me to let go of some of those negative feels that were not serving me. I got me my calcium-added orange juice and some other thangs: bananas, hot chocolate, earl grey tea, chocolate chocolate, and a cactus plant...not that you needed to know that. 

*It wasn't until I looked back to see the full details of Rashida's self-care practice for this post that I realized that I only half-performed this routine. I missed the gospel song on repeat part and ended up listening to albums that make me feel good and light inside: My friend Mickey's band, Delicate Steve's Positive Force (on repeat for the past week in my home); Lady Gaga, "Starstruck"; K'naan's Troubador; and Mos Def's The Ecstatic. I think the end result is still the same, but wanted to acknowledge this performance misfire. 

Day 23: Do Something I've Never Done Before

I eschew all sporting events. I've missed many homecoming games all through junior high, high school, and college, and save for when I managed the boys JV lacrosse team (long story) I don't think I've seen a full sports match. Thus, when my friend Courtney scored two tickets to see Northwestern's football team play this afternoon, I resisted my normal urge to say 'no' and called up a self-care routine submitted to me by a friend:

                                         Do something I haven't done before.  

Dressed in three layers of thermal pants, t-shirts, long sleeves, sweatshirt, parka and snuggie(!) we went to that stadium ready to support our school and friends of ours on the team.....and it was SO MUCH FUN! HOLY CRAP! I get it now.  There was such a feeling of (dare I say) community (or communitas for those performance studies/anthropology geeks out there).  We were engaged in shenanigans in the stands with our fellow viewers, chatting about the game, cracking jokes, and trying to snatch one of those rolled up t-shirts that they shoot out of a what looks like a bazooka gun. Clearly I have no grasp on the lingo or the concepts, but I think I now know what it means to be "first down" and I'm actually considering going to more.  

Saved Ticket Stub

Day 22: Go See A Show ALONE

Go see a show ALONE. Either dance or theatre. It's my sanctuary and if I haven't been in a while I feel disconnected. - Claudia

I tend NOT to go to shows, movies, events alone. The idea of doing so makes me feel uncomfortable. Because of this, I've missed out on a lot of great performances because I had no one who was able/wanted to go. For the past few weeks I've been excited to see Meshelle Ndegeocello play at the Old Town School of Music.  I went by myself and am so happy I did. Seeing her live was a game changer and I sat 30 feet away from her brilliance and beauty. The wonderful thing about seeing her show by myself? I felt like she was singing to me and I felt no need to "perform" being interested because of the company I was keeping. There was no one next to me that I felt obligated to speak to so I could lose myself in Meshelle (swwwwwoooooonnnnnnn). Plus, I ended up getting friendly with the folks around me, keeping company with other swooning Meshelleophiles (<---made that up myself). I feel like this has opened doors to my art viewing experiences!

From her website......I can't handle her sexy.

Half-Way Point: What I've Learned Thus Far

Three weeks and 21 self-care practices have passed. Here's what I've learned thus far:

1. On some days, I engage in multiple self-care rituals a day (i.e. surrounding my self with music, letting light in my apartment, going to yoga, prayer, etc.)
2. Some self-care practices are only effective as durational performance. Instant gratification has come from rituals such as taking a bath, while others require a daily return for the care to fully manifest for example mantras on the bathroom mirror.
3.  Committing to self-care was initially exhausting because it forced me to realize the amount of time I have spent *not* caring for myself or my body.
4. Admitting that I'm committing to self-care is embarrassing because it feels self-centered and narcassistic.
5. Admitting that I'm committing to self-care is brave because it is self-centered and makes *me* the center my universe.  As a Black/Haitian/woman, I have been taught to care for everyone else but myself and this works allows me to invest in me.
6.  Self-care has forced me to reassess my priorities--I find myself asking more often "do I really want to do this right now and why?"
7. Self-care is holistic work: mind+body+spirit trifecta.
8. Self-care is emotional-mirror-held-up-to-my-face work. Pointing me to where I am now and the kind of person I want to be (free, thoughtful, truthful, unafraid). 
9. Many people do not want to admit to the importance of self-care, but everyone knows they need it.

Day 21: Gratitude List

Thanksgiving seemed like an appropriate time to begin this self-care routine, submitted by my sweet friend Aleata:

for one week, write down a gratitude list just before you go to sleep of things you encountered during the day that you are grateful for or made you smile

My Thursday night list included the following:

• Friends who provide me with light and humor, support and love me even when I'm a hot mess (because that I was on Thanksgiving)
• My sister--my favorite person in the whole wide world
• My "I'm Yours" Pandora station
• Cooking on a Sunday day in my light-filled kitchen
• Shredded cheese :-)

Day 20: Eat Like There's No Tomorrow

I know that tomorrow is Thanksgiving, the traditional day when we're supposed to be giving thanks, stuff our face, and forget about the American colonialism/the slow denigration of Indigenous people, but all I could do was think about an invitation from my good and funny friend Courtney to enjoy dinner with her at Red Lobster. Yep, Red Lobster. I had initially begun the day thinking that self-care performance was another performance I engaged with earlier today (more on that in the future), but it wasn't until I was having dinner with Courtney, enjoying cheesy biscuits (!), and drying tears of laughter from my face that I realized that "this" moment was what I had needed; that fellowship, food, and laughter can be forms of as self-care:

Go to my fav restaurant with a friend and eat like there's no tomorrow.  And I make sure the friend is someone who makes me laugh a lot. -- Claudia

Man, did we eat and laugh. Our waiter Ryan couldn't resist stopping by our table and offering up jokes, some hopping, as well as his own thoughts on love and fidelity (real talk is the only talk).  It was a great night! 

Pic coming soon....there's an unflattering shot of me an an empty crab bake plate on Court's phone....

Day 19: Post-It Notes On The Bathroom Mirror

Jackie listed one of her self-care routines as the following: 

I leave post-it notes on my mirror in the bathroom for myself. Right now it says "TODAY IS 

NEW DAY, YOU ARE AWESOME!" Don't ever under-estimate the power of mantras. 

I don't underestimate the power of mantras; I even used to write notes to myself on my bathroom mirror with markers. I was initially excited to write post-it (love?) notes to myself and pin them on my bathroom mirror. But for one reason or another, this performance felt like a fail. Perhaps the post-it on the mirror doesn't work for me for the same reason that writing on my bathroom mirror worked for a little bit then stopped: it always felt like I was reaching for a cliche that I didn't know how to put into practice. I'm not knocking Jackie's ritual/self-care routine; I just think that for this to work for me and/or that I failed to follow her routine precisely. Maybe I should consider: 1.) Personalizing the mantras to say things similar to Jackie's such as, "You're beautiful, righteous, and so fucking awesome." 2.) I need more long term enactments of the mantra, looking at them on my bathroom mirror and repeating them to myself out loud. 

I'm going to keep the post-its on my mirror for a week or so to see if personalizing them and repeating them has an effect on my performance of self-care.  

Day 18: Have a Heart-to-Heart With God

My long time friend Priscilla sent me this self-care routine: 

[P]ray 1st thing in the morning. By pray I really mean like have a heart-to-heart with God   about anything that I have on my mind and things that I'm especially thankful for.

I love my Priscilla and know that her faith is and has been extremely important to her  personal development. Yet, I admit that I was skeptical and scared of this performance. Scared and skeptical because for the past several years I've literally been asking and wondering how do I have a conversation with God? I know intellectually what it means to "pray" but how do you really open up your heart and have a conversation with a higher power? It isn't that I don't believe, I just wonder about intention, performance, and sincerity when it comes to faith and prayer--is there a right and wrong way to do it, especially if I haven't been the most regular attendant of church and haven't made a habit of speaking to God regularly. So, last night, in "preparation" for this performance, I gchatted with Priscilla and asked her: "[W]hat does that [having a heart-to-heart with God] look like? [D]o I get down on my knees? [H]ow do you talk to God? I mean you specifically but also generally." Priscilla's reply was thoughtful and bares repeating [as written]: 

[S]o obviously it's up to you and what works for you but I will tell you how it works for me- For me there is no ceremony surrounding this "act"- I don't have to get on my knees etc. It's not a religious act it's something spiritual between me and my heavenly father[.] It's as if I am talking to my closest friend in the world, but even greater than that- there's no inkling of fear, shame, or doubt if He's listening[.] It's like a release I share whatever's on my mind- whether that means picturing things that I know I have to do during the day with a positive result and then releasing all of my worries about it. I usually thank God for my life and the life of the ppl that I love- dedicating time to picture each one. Usually all of this is done internally but if something is weighing especially heavy on my heart I might speak outloud. 

1 key element is really trusting so I always confess things in the positive so for example if I'm feeling under the weather instead of focusing on what I DO NOT want I focus on what I DO want, as if it's already mine ex: "Thank you, father for my health. Thank you for me recuperating the strength that I need to do everything on my plate today., etc. etc.

Oh, I guess one more thing is that I think it's important to do it first thing in the morning before you get bombarded with all of the stresses of the day and when you do feel yourself getting bombarding during the day I think it's important to take a few minutes to get quiet mentally and spiritually and remind yourself of that conversation that you already had and that you've already handed over your worries, doubts, fears, any negativity to God so you don't shouldn't be holding on to them. [O]k, I think that's really is all for now.

I quoted Priscilla at length (P, if you read this, don't be mad!) because it was a profound way of guiding my performance/prayer this morning and it had a lasting effect on my day. I rolled over in bed after hitting the snooze button and opened my eyes only to close them again. I began to really think about all that I grateful for, apprehensive of, and needed clarity on for my day's journey. A crude recreation of my prayer includes the following acknowledgements:

• Thanks for my breath, my health, and the energy and strength to tackle the day ahead
• Thanks for the lives and well being of my mother, father, and sister
• Thanks for the network of support and the friends around me 
• Thanks for the clarity of mind and spirit to make choices that are healthy, whole, and necessary for improving the quality of my life.
• Thanks for all that I have learned from my time with "E," even for the pain that comes with growing emotionally. 
• Thank you for my Godmother
• Thank you for opening my eyes and my heart 
• Thank you God for the support you will pour over me throughout this day

It was a quiet and humble ritual...but today I felt very calm (?), introspective (?), light-filled (?). I'm not sure how to describe the sensation--as though my body is just about to get butterflies. The morning's prayer and communion with God allowed me to think about my course for the day and how I wanted to and could manifest the type of spirit/day that I had invoked in my conversation with God this morning. The residue of the conversation could be felt in my yoga practice, my travels to school, and even how I engaged with my reading assignments for the day. It was humbling and also strengthening, and I found both results to be pleasant surprises. 

Day 17: Read The Four Agreements

So said my friend Michi. So I did. The book has been on my reading list for a while and it was nice to read it while traveling back home. The "four agreements" or wisdoms are based on Toltec-cosmology and include the following: 1.) be impeccable with your words; 2.) don't take anything personally; 3.) don't make assumptions; and 4.) always do your best.  All simple sounding, all quite difficult to exercise consciously. I've included an image with an expanded definition of these agreements. In the meantime, here's a quote that I found relevant to this self-care/love project:

If you do your best in the search for personal freedom, in the search for self-love, you will discover that it's just a matter of time before you find what you are looking for. It's not about daydreaming or sitting for hours dreaming in meditation. You have to stand up and be human. You have to honor the man or woman that you are. Respect your body, enjoy your body, love your body, feed, clean, and heal your body. Exercise and do what makes your body feel good. This is puja to your body, and that is a communion between you and God (The Four Agreements, pg. 86-87).

Day 16: Take a Long Hot Shower and SING!

Last day of conferences and I am all over the place. Emotional highs from a fun and productive presentation and a few strange emotional downs from dealing with things that I had no control over--o.p.p. (other peoples' problems). Tonight before getting ready to head to a department reception, I needed to get ready and that meant figuring out some way to get to a more level-headed and balanced place. I needed a quick self-care fix and thought of Claudia (whose tips have been getting a lot of play thus far!):

Long showers. Extra hot til I can't take it no mo'. And then I make the water a little cooler.  And ps... I sing the entire time while I'm in there.

It felt absurd. Blasting out at the top of my lungs the following show stoppers: The Golden Girls theme song, "Tiny Dancer" (Elton John), "Say My Name" (Destiny's Child), a childhood church song about "soldiers in the army," and "Time After Time" (Eva Cassidy cover). Absurd because, I realized that I don't know the lyrics to half these songs, and absurd because Carmen was in the hotel room with me as this was happening. Absurd, but I did find myself laughing at my self while in my long and hot-then-cold shower. Laughing and finding my way back to a happy place...or at least, a less emotionally imbalanced place. 

Day 15: A Bit of Indulgence

I have to confess that I fear being excessive. Excessive with food, alcohol, emotions, pleasure, anything and everything. I spend too much time in my own headspace wondering whether or not I'm finding the right balance between all of these things. Yet somehow, being at this conference in beautiful Puerto Rico has been a wonderful way of testing the importance of indulgence as a self-care practice. A test of how to not restricting pleasure because of a fear of losing control. Rachel said: 

sometimes a bit of indulgence serves me well... chocolate, decadent foods and drinks, movies  - at the right times these treats remind me of the richness of life, they fill me with gratitude for the opportunity to enjoy my senses...as long as I don't overindulge (: 

So here are the things I did today in my performance of self-indulgence:

Morning sandwich. Photo by Carmen :-)

1.) Ordered me that ham, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich at the local cornershop/bodega that I had been talking about the previous night. Served on a white roll. It was as DELICIOUS as I thought it would be. 

2.) Left the conference midday to go swim, walk on the beach, and enjoy the sun and time with my friend. The key here was indulging in play time and abandoning any sense of guilt about not going to every single conference event. 

3.) Ate a delicious and somewhat more expensive meal than I am used at Raices in Old San Juan. I ordered a traditional Puerto Rican dish that everyone kept telling me to try: mofongo with steak. I followed it up with cheese flan for dessert.

Mofongo with steak @ Raices. Image from Yelp

4.) Later in the evening I enjoyed a friend's homemade reese's peanut butter cups while I finished up a paper.

Engaging and indulging my senses on all levels: sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste. These four moments were peppered throughout my workday (I promise, I really am working!) but they made the day that much more enjoyable, because they allowed me moments of  pleasure and reflection. A simple reminder of the good things in life and that excess need not always be feared. 

Day 14: Take A Trip. Can Be Anywhere.

Suggested by Claudia:

Take a trip. Can be anywhere. These days it's usually DC. There's a lil boutique hotel down there that's my fav and it's inexpensive. So I'll take an early bus and head that way. 4 hour bus ride but I'll sleep on the way or write in my journal. Sometimes I just look out the window for the whole ride and as I see new places I daydream about the lives of the people who live there.

While Claudia's day trips are a great idea and I'm looking forward one myself. I've landed in San Juan, PR for the weekend. I'm here to present at a conference but am SO looking forward to mixing "business with pleasure." The Old San Juan is calling my name and I'm looking forward to getting into the city. My phone is bugging, so I leave you with this image from a fellow student o'mine whose also in PR, James, whose clearly handy with a camera: 

 Sunset at the shore of La Perla near the historic fort of El Morro

Day 13: Reorder My Home

One of the things I am learning through this performance is that I can’t always plan what self-care performance I’ll need or end up completing for the day. Yesterday, I was sure that Day 13’s performance would be more relaxed and intentionally un-demanding of my body—but I woke up this morning feeling a bit “unsettled” in my place, itching for something to move but not sure what.  I weighed several options: going to take a morning yoga class; going for a long walk; or spending my day listening to and making music (all practices that have been suggested to me that will come soon enough). Instead, I got out of bed and began cleaning; meticulously attending to my apartment–to the point where I spent at least 5-10 minutes reorganizing my DVD collection alphabetically. The idea was to get my space the way that I wanted it, in order so that it would make me feel good and comfortable,  ready for me to work, play, and relax. My friend Dwayne offered up this self-love practice that called me today more than anything else:

I start to reorder my home in a manner I love best - I move from room to room slowly putting things back into order, happy that I am being guided by a voice in my inside parts that directs me where to go. From this space comes nothing but self-love. I am inwardly directed by calm and reason from some phantom inside director whose motives and directives I have long ago given up any effort to make sense of. It leads me, I trust that it will make my home whole again, that it will allow me the time to get that reading done, those clothes washed, or that bed made. That it will afford me the joy I so desperately seek but always fear I never will find.

There is something about the external space that is tied to my internal feelings.  Generally, the more disorganized/scattered/fragmented my apartment feels, the more something is going on with me emotionally/mentally that needs to be worked-through. Attending to my apartment is like rebuilding my cocoon. The “joy” of reordering the space and listening to that guiding voice inside is that it allows for Dwayne/me to spend time in meditation; focusing our attention and desire on feeling good. Reordering my space, is a way of achieving some modicum of balance and beauty both externally and internally. 

Day 12: Masturbate

There you have it...

Tears of joy, I hope.

Day 11: Take a Bath

Without a doubt, the most delicious and deliberate self-care performance thus far. Antwan was the first to reply to my call for self-care practices, he was also the most explicit on the nature of his ritual (he really did write it just so, bullets and all):

• in the evenings or mid-day, taking a long hot bath with incense and candles and listening to music. 

• it's a ritual process for me: i always start with running the water, then i light the incense and then the candles. two candles by the bath tub, incense on the floor so the smoke rises. i lay in the bath and use my hands (while submerged under the water) to create a paddle like motion which really helps to warm up my body, but also makes me feel like i am in in a womb. 

• i usually leave the bathroom window open so that the cool air helps the steam rise off the bathroom water to create a nice ambiance. 

• music is typically anita baker or philip glass, the former reminds me of my mother. the latter recalls my  minimalist inclinations. when i am feeling spiritual i like to listen to adhans (islamic call to prayers). there is something really transcendental about the sounds that i can't really articulate, especially when they are mixed with the aroma of sandlewood. 

• after the bath, i dry off in the bathroom, and then i go to my room and stand before the mirror where i rub shea butter all over my body in a very thorough way. its important that i see myself doing it, as it really registers with me that i am taking care of myself. if that makes sense. 

• after this i put on some clothes, and drink a glass of lemon sparking water if i have some. or i will squeeze half a lemon in regular water. i love lemons, the acidity makes me feel clean

• the project is most effective when it is consists of all the above mentioned elements, and most useful during writer's block, life stress, etc.

.

I really can't articulate anything else. He had me at Anita Baker..."Rhythm of Love" is my jam. The lemon water felt like it washed my insides following this bath/shea butter ritual. This whole performance just left me feeling sexy and refreshed. 

I'm doing what I can with my old camera phone. See ipod and one of the seven candles involved.

See Anita <3 <3 <3

Day 10: Make Time for My Research

Today, I wanted nothing more than to stay in bed, sleep in, and forget that I had to return to Chicago/school tomorrow. Being back East with my family makes it easy for me to forget my academic responsibilities. Basically, I haven't been handling my shit. Jack--ever the pragmatist--reminded me of the importance of structuring time for my research as a self-care practice: 

my self-care consists of research [...] structuring time into my work schedule to do research on what I want my work to be as opposed to what it is now.

I knew this needed to happen because I was spending all my time trying to avoid doing this work. Instead of devoting the whole day to getting my research back on track, I gave myself one hour. Doing so made the monstrous task of "doing my research" seem more manageable and less-anxiety producing. It made it possible for me to both enjoy my family-filled environment and stay on top of work I've been putting off. In that one hour I: sent out an email to my advisor that was long overdue (status update, goals for the year, scheduling our next meeting); read and summarized Ana Aparicio's article  "Reconstituting Political Genealogies: Reflections on Youth, Racial Justice, and the Uses of History," which I've been stalling on for more than a month; and figured out my schedule/moves for next winter quarter. 

One productive hour behind me and I feel a lot less stress and guilt filled. Thank you Jack! 

Day 9: Do Things That Make Me Feel Beautiful

One of the most spirit-filled and humble persons that I know, my friend Rachael suggested the following:

And beauty in general [contributes to my self love and care], doing things that make me feel beautiful, I used to reject certain beautifying acts because  I associated them with patriarchy and social expectations - who are we dressing up for? but now I have a different association entirely - I partake in ways that feel good, when I dress a certain way, or wear make up, or shave my legs, I do it as an act of self love, I am beautifying myself because I love myself... 

Rachael and I met a few years ago while taking the same performance class. It is hard to read her discussion of beauty as a ritual without remembering her acknowledgment to our professor and our class as a whole, how she often feels un-beautiful, and how such a feeling contributes to her whole posturing--looking down, covering her face with her hair, and treating herself as though she were invisible and unseen. To read about how Rachael spends time tending to herself and beautifying herself in order to feel good for and with herself, makes me wonder about the remarkable journey that she herself has been on over the past few years---how she's moved from feeling unseen to seeing herself for the great beauty, light, and love that she is in the world.

I heard Rachael when she said that she felt unseen, I heard her because her sentiments felt so similar to my own. Over the course of my life I have been my own worse enemy, taking out my frustrations and dissatisfaction with my body out on myself emotionally and physically. Working to look at myself in a mirror and offer up a smile of gratitude and love to myself has been a challenge. Today while preparing to attend my cousin's wedding I tried to focus my attention on the pleasure of getting ready, of preparing myself to be beautiful for myself. Showering. Shaving. Manicuring my eyebrows. Pulling up the stockings. Doing up my hair. Delicately applying my (fuchsia!) lipstick. All of these things as part and parcel of a larger ritual of beautifying myself for myself, of standing before the mirror and finding a joy in highlighting my nose, mouth, arms, waist, and (luscious) booty. Focusing on the pleasure/joy of a beautifying myself made me that much more excited to step out into the world and be seen--because I knew I had spent so much time tending to myself in a love-filled manner. There is actual fun (and healing?) that happens when getting dolled up and stepping out on the town. 

Stepping out. Look at those teefuses! 

Day 8: Do Something Nice For Someone Else

I sort of didn't do this one by the book. Claudia said: 

Do something nice for someone else. Sounds weird to say that's an act of self-love but expressing love makes me feel connected to the cycle of it. So I'll send my friends something as a surprise, just because. Might be flowers, their fav perfume or even a poem I wrote for/about them. Then they get it and call me crying or screaming.

I didn't send flowers, perfume, or poems, but I did spent my day volunteering with God's Love We Deliver (GLWD), a meal delivery program within the tri-state area that provides nutritious and individualized meals to people who are too sick to shop or cook for themselves. I was told about the organization by my friend/dance buddy Michi who has been working to deliver meals across New York. Sandy and the nor'easter have made accessing certain clients more difficult for GLWD and volunteers help can either aid in meal prep, delivery, or office work. I assisted my driver D.J. in delivering meals across Brooklyn. In between shooting the shit, talking love, failed relationships, emotional walls (we apparently wasted no time on bullshit), I got to see some of the damages inflicted by Sandy: large uprooted trees that have landed on houses, cars, and sidewalks; power lines down; lines for gas that stretch around blocks. I have nothing light/airy/romantic to say. I volunteered because my family both in Haiti and the U.S. has been extremely fortunate not to be terribly effected by Sandy  or the nor'easter. I was grateful to be able to offer my time in service of others/something bigger than myself and look forward to working with them again. 

Outer door of the Soho location. Photo taken from GLWD's website.

Day 7: Exercise and Sleep

Just that simple:  

Exercise and sleep are a necessity. While I have no issues with the latter, (I can sleep 8 hours like the best of them), I think it is important to mention. Of course, not everyone needs 8 hours, but there is a limit that everybody hits where your body stops being functional. You will have to define that for yourself. On the other hand, being physically active is super important. I am realizing this now, as my lack of activity has caused slips into minor depressions an unhappiness with my physical appearance. That said, yoga is the shit. ~ Carina

I do have a problem with sleep, and often feel guilty when I overindulge. I typically shoot out of bed early and in a panic about all the things I should be doing rather than sleeping. Today, I tried to consciously turn off that little sleep-depriving voice telling me to get up. I crawled back into bed after turning off my alarm and ended up sleeping till noon! I woke up rested and without the usual guilt about "losing" a morning of work. Following that up with a short yoga practice. Free online yoga sites such as Do Yoga With Me have been great for when I'm looking to continue my practice while traveling. 

Day 6: Go Home and Remember Where I Came From

Sometimes, the only thing I want is to hug my mom, make funny faces at my dad, and feel taken care of at home. Margaret Rosa's self-care regimen includes:

Get out of the city. Go home and remember where I come from.

I was supposed to be in the NJ/NYC area for work. But I'm also home to be with family and to check in on my local community following Sandy and a current snow storm. There's a sad feeling to the town, but humor still rises as as stranger shoot the shit and people joke about what kind of apocalyptic world we might have inherited with Mittens. To walk through the doors of my parents house and bear hug my mom was the best and most needed feeling ever. Ever. In playing catch up--which felt like a newer, lighter, and more pleasurable experience this time around--I told her about this self-love project and showed her this blog....she smiled, paused, then asked herself what she does for self-care. I'll be sharing that in a later performance :-) 

Fallen tree on an area church. Those streaks are snow fall.

Day 5: See A Chiropractor...Regularly (I'm Serious)

Today's "performance" suggestion is my own. Last year I began seeing a wonderful chiropractor Dr. Greg Gebhart of LaSalle Chiropractic Center. I was skeptical of the back-crack. But in truth, chiropractic care is all about holistic well-being: the idea that the body works more effectively when all the brains signals are able to "communicate" with the necessary nerve endings of your body. Alright,  I'm not a medical expert but I can attest to this: that even when my school-life-yoga triad seem insane, seeing Dr. G is a must. My headaches are fewer, my lower back and hip pain are gone, and I'm flexibility has improved. Today sometime between writing/work-studying/and voting (!) I made time to see Dr. G and it was well worth it. Back is relaxed AND the guy is funny as hell. 

My attempt to capture my adjustment on my cell (I never said I was a photographer)

Day 4: Just Show Up

If you show up to do the work, healing will happen.

                                 --Gates and Kenison, Meditations from the Mat: Daily Reflection on the Path of Yoga 

My yoga instructor Justine shared this quote with me in an email this morning. In response to this project, she shared with me this mantra for my self care journey. It came at an appropriate time: I've been having a difficult experience these past few days much of it stemming from this project and the emotions that it is dredging up. These emotions around a performance of self-care revolve around the ethical concerns that I've been trying to answer in my larger practice as an artist-scholar: What does this project of self-care/art making DO for anyone? What does it mean for me to document and make this work available to others? Why does this matter to me, right now? In addition to these questions, I'm dealing with vulnerability on multiple levels: with myself and others. All this is new terrain for me and it is exhausting me emotionally and mentally as well as leaving me a little raw/overexposed.

So today I woke up. Exhausted and expecting that I might just pull an insular move: take a bath after class and enjoy time away from others. In truth I had expected much of this self-care performance work to include personal and individual acts of attention to and for myself; but I'm realizing two things thus far: 1.) self-care is exhausting and perhaps this is because it makes apparent the many of the ways that we/I haven't been attending to ourselves/myself; 2.) Self-care does involve others--that others are vital in our ability to stay grounded, connected and energized.

Today I learned how important showing up and being present with others can be an act of self-love/care. I was invited by my friend Jody to the open house for the Broadway Youth Center (BYC) a program of Howard Brown and their community partners that offers a variety of services to youth between the ages of 12-24, including a safe space for young people experiencing homelessness. I had never been to BYC before and after a day of class, running around, and reading/preparing to write essays/papers/etc. I rode the train down to BYC eager to get in and leave; to "show up" (for this project) and then go to home to be alone and really decompress/care for myself. Instead of dipping in and out, I got totally and deliciously caught up in the amazing people and work being produced by this grassroots organization. In talking with staff members at BYC we connected on the center's outreach programs, available resources, the lives and interests of the staff and students, as well as  why self-care is a critical and necessary practice for those doing social justice work: we tend to others but don't nourish ourselves. This raises the question (and one of my fundamental believes/why I'm doing this project): How do we expect this work and life to be sustainable when we fail to attend to ourselves?

I showed up, begrudgingly and left feeling energized beyond what I thought was available to me in this moment. Grateful to have met wonderful organizers doing work they love. Grateful to talk about the importance of self-care with others and to realize that none of us knows how to necessarily "do it" but all of us know that we need it, desperately. 

In my excitement I failed to take a picture at the event. But here's the nifty flyer!
Yes, I said "nifty."

Day 3: Allow Light Into the Space

I learned the importance of blockout curtains my first winter in Chicago. Not only do they keep out the frigid Chicago cold, they also reduce the amount of light coming into my space thus aiding my ability to sleep without the intrusion of a passing car headlight, streetlight, or (if I'm really in it), to ignore the fact that the sun is coming up and I haven't slept at all. Basically, these curtains get the job done and I didn't notice how well until I awoke this morning, exited my bedroom, and found myself blinded by the amount of light pouring into my apartment. My blinds were drawn but through my kitchen and bathroom the sun was fighting its way into my apartment.  I walked through my apartment, planning what my self-care performance would be today. I'm a little sore from all that yoga/crying from yesterday's performance of care, and had expected to indulge in a long bath (soon!) but the light was such a lovely distraction and I was reminded of Sherley's self-care practice, printed in bold in her email response to this project: 

This morning's light. 

whether I'm home or not, my blinds and curtains are always up, allowing light into the space, feeding it that good energy, which extends me feeling good about my space and myself.

I damn near ran through my apartment, pulling back curtains and pulling up blinds in spaces where I rarely do (kitchen, my bedroom) and letting my apartment be FILLED with light. And it was so beautiful...so so beautiful. Such a simple gesture but its wrapping effect was immediate. Moreover, I'm not accustomed to leaving my blinds up when I leave my home, particularly if I know it is going to be a late night. When I returned this evening I had expected the darkness of my apartment to unsettle and scare me (I used to be afraid of the dark when I was younger), but in fact it was the opposite. It was actually so wonderful to be greeted by my apartment; it felt like a generous welcome---stepping into warmth and seeing my place for the first time all over again.

Day 2: Do Three Hours of Yoga...

If only my dear friend Leila would make it that simple:

do yoga for 3 hours spend an hour thinking about someone in your life, maybe someone who is a difficult person for you maybe someone you have ever taken for granted and think about the challenges and difficulties and obstacles and harm they have faced and experienced in their life. think about all the ways you see them show strength, reclaim their sense of safety their sense of self, their sense of well-being and faith in themselves and the world around them. Let yourself be filled with the incredible accomplishments that person has made. Share your thoughts with them.

I've taken many a yoga class at my yoga studio; so many that I work study there in order to take classes as a reduced (free!) rate. This one was the hardest, not because of time but because of the hour-long deep focus on "my person." My ego kept getting in the way. When I was able to concentrate on this individual, there were moments of deep pain, gratitude, awe, and fear about having to disclose all that came up in the practice. I'm surprised by how vulnerable this practice made me feel, how much the practice forced me to see and hear "my" person's words and actions in a way that I've resisted for some time. I'm thankful for my yoga teachers Justin and Keely for their support, instruction, and creation of such a safe and inviting studio. I was happy to have these space/moment for working through feelings.

End of hour three, savasana pose (thanks for the photo Keely!)

Post yoga email 

* on privacy: I haven't figured out how much is too much to share, particularly when it involves my interaction with others (such as this email). I didn't expect self-care to involve tending to the safety, privacy, and well being of others. As an artists/performer I see all of this as part of the larger project of performing tactics of self-care (which, I am learning, may be quit emotional/painful). I've blanked out "my person's" name and some relevant details in order to maintain their safety and anonymity.

Day 1: Get Off-Facebook

Thanks Carina B. for reminding me of the importance in not getting caught up in other people's lives and tending to our own: "I had to be honest with myself that I needed to not have my password, so that I could let myself be happy." (email, oct. 11th)

Following Carina's advice:
1.) I've given my password to someone I know and trust (Carina!)

2.) Will be checking Facebook message once a week for messages and events happening.

I've been overthinking this...

The idea for this project came to me a month ago. I was having an emotional moment and feeling overwhelmed by school, my return to Chicago after a long absence, and personal relationships. In sitting with these emotions, I tried to figure out a strategy for processing them--how to move beyond this moment and towards a peace: "ART! JUST MAKE CRAZY ART!" Said a little (wise?) voice inside of me...and this project sprang to mind. What if I enlisted the advice of those around me, gathered their tactics and practices for engaging in self-love? What if I practiced these strategies every day for a looooooong time? Would building a practice of self-love actually lead me to it?  

That was the initial idea, but between that time and today, I've been overthinking my way out of this project. Feeling a sense of vulnerability, fear, overcommittment, risk and guilt--about indulging in self-love when there seems to "real" tangible chaos. What are the ethics of practicing self-love in this moment? I'm thinking very specifically about my relationship to Haiti and how, as a member of the Dyaspora, I am watching and waiting for word about Sandy as well as ongoing post-quake efforts.

I don't have the answer to the question of ethics and self-care amidst chaos and disaster. I can only attest to where my head and spirit are right now, and right now I need to take some time to care for me and make myself whole...so here I am once again. Moving towards self-love and self-care.

The Rules:

1.) Engage in a deliberate act of self-love, daily for the next six-weeks. 
2.) These acts will be the practices of my friends, family, acquiantances; their methods for showing themselves self-love and care.
3.) I will follow (or "perform") their self-care practices and document the experience via photos, short entries, etc.  

All this is aimed at building an archive of self-care and self-love. But I don't doubt that it is also about working through the questions of guilt, performance, ethics and what it means to take time for oneself (myself) during a moments of disaster/chaos.