Day 43 (The End): Do Nothing That Doesn't Feel Good

It has been a rather eventful six-weeks and this ending seems unceremonious but fitting. There have been breakdown, break-ups, breakthroughs, breath, and moments of sheer banality. Today I decided to end it on a pleasure seeking note and practice sent by Leila:

Spend an entire day doing nothing that doesn't feel good. especially think about all the activities in your life that are attached to who you are, a student, an artist, your race your gender, a daughter, sister, friend and do none of those things. meditate the whole day on the feeling in your body of all the activities you do and do only the things that feel good and are not attached to any identity but are just attached to the felling of doing them.

It is a difficult and conscious charge: to do things that make me feel good and that aren't tied to my identity or how I understand myself to be in the world. What it did was lift my sense of obligation and limitations. What if I decided that it wasn't irresponsible of me to sleep in past 9am and to listen to my exhausted body (did). What if I forgot that I was broke grad student and decided to buy both myself and my sister a copy of the beautiful book I think we would both adore (I did). What if I took my yoga class and paid attention to how I felt in every position and decided when pushing myself felt great, when it didn't, and I adjusted my stance accordingly (did). What if I cancelled my afternoon plans so I could make myself lunch and relax in my home (did). What if I called my mom just to say 'hi' and not because I felt like I was a terrible daughter and needed to check in (did). What if I decided to go out to dinner with a friend and get that delicious and large appetizer AND the dinner I wanted (did). What if I went dancing, people watching, and decided to jam to the music when I felt like it, sit when I didn't and not care either way (did). What if I danced attentive not of how my body was being read--as sexualized, black, "hetero," too much, etc--and just danced to make me happy and free (did).  It was an easy day...but full of my own conscious choices and demands. It made my day feel like one long playground instead of increments of time that I had no control over. I suppose this all ties into the longer project of self-care...but right now I don't really want to wax poetics and do the labor to connect those dots, so I'm not going to.

Thank you for your time, space, ideas, and reading. A post featuring all the performances I didn't get to will follow soon.

So many thanks,
Kantara