Day 37: Be Humble. Ask for Help.

Carina wrote:

Ask for help. I have more issues with this than I realized. There were some things that I deemed "okay" to ask for help with and others, I was essentially shooting myself in the foot. Be humble. Know you can't do everything and put yourself around people who will help you. Even if it is just organizing you day, or telling you to hand in a paper because it's killing your soul to keep working on it. 

I met with a few friends of mine this morning for breakfast. We all Haitian women and are (or were) grad students at the same institution. For the past three years we've had these meetings which have really been more like fellowships: opportunities to talk, eat, laugh, and wax poetics about life, love, and the spirit (in all its forms). Today, I thought I was gonna ask for their help remaining positive in my life. The cleanse reminded me of how easy it is for me to focus on the glass as half-empty. But over breakfast, while chatting with one friend of mine, I "caught a feeling" in response to her comment about my life update, specifically how I was doing post-breakup. She told me that she was sorry I hadn't heard any response from "E." I told her that what I needed her help on was staying positive about the outcome of this event and all things. Though she said, "OK," I still I felt like she hadn't heard me. I spent some time processing and realized that what I needed her help on, wasn't staying positive, but to remind me that getting a response is besides the point and irrelevant. That the empowering work is continuing to be done. I should have been more explicit, that what I need is people to remind me that  I know what I need and am doing something awesome in life and love (at Carina's suggestion, that went on a post-it and is now hanging on my bathroom mirror). I called my friend and told her this and we processed the need for a paradigm shift (from waiting for feedback from another to acknowledging the empowerment of making choices that reflect my/our emotional needs and truths). I'm not sure if she will be able to fully offer me this help and something about the conversations still feels like a misfire but there you have it: my attempt to ask for help. 

Dear readers, please help me: stay positive in my life choices and please periodically remind me that I know what I need and am doing something awesome in life and love. Thank you. ~ Kantara 

Day 36: Hug Yourself And Tell Yourself That You Love You

This morning I was at a lost about what to do for today's performance of self-love/care. I have several options (thank you for the submissions!), but none of them seemed appropriate for how I was feeling; they all would have been a little forced and heartless. Later in the day I received a group email from Tolu, of Ashe Holistic Health (my smoothie cleanse organizer/current health guru) that seemed apropos to all that I needed and wanted:

Nutrition Focus:  Self-Love

Self love means taking the time out to nurture your self mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. For the majority of the day we give our energy and services to others. Take the time to light a candle and meditate. Silent time feeds your soul. Hug yourself and tell yourself that you love you. Go ahead try it now. “I love you your name”

Do those things that feed your spirit, whatever it may be. Please don’t neglect your wonderful self because there is only one YOU.

I sat in my seat a little incredulous....ironic I know. But I did it, I went on and hugged myself and told myself, "I love you Kantara." It was not filled with spirit, I didn't really believe my own words. So I kept on doing it throughout the day: on my yoga mat, randomly as I walked through Target, in my kitchen where I took it a step further, "I love you Kantara for doing things that are difficult and scary but prove to yourself how much you care about you and your well being." I did it on my couch for good measure too. I have to say, as cheesy as that gesture sounds (and is) each hug and each acknowledgement of my love for me got infinitely more spirit-filled, joyful, and more truthful---particularly the moment in the kitchen where I just had to throw hands up and thank me for making some tough but necessary decisions in order to move towards holistic wellness. 

<<<<<<<HUGS: and there you have it. >>>>>>>

Day 35: Do Something That Restores Racial Pride

I am having an extended moment. I don't know if it is Day 4 of this cleanse or what, but I am feeling really internal and vulnerable today. Time is slowed down and I feel hyper-aware of everything around me. For the past few weeks I had it on my calendar to see the River See Lab Experiment, organized/written/directed by Sharon Bridgforth and held at the historic South Side Community Art Center, the oldest black arts space in the country. I resisted the urge to stay home and decide to "just show up" (Day 4), figuring that this would also meet the performance/self-care practice sent to me by Priscilla. She wrote: 

 Since it's especially demoralizing to be a person of color (or any marginalized group) in a school like [predominately white Ivy League institution], in a program like SW [social work] I feel like I have to search out things that help me to restore all of the racial hope & pride that is constantly being drained from me- that might be poetry. dance, art, music, food, anything positive involving Black ppl.

It seems like every time I quote Priscilla's self-care practices (e.g. "heart to heart with God") I have to begin by saying, "I love my girl Priscilla." I love my girl Priscilla, but perhaps timing combined with my head space made me unavailable to successfully perform this outing. Don't get me wrong, the River See Lab Experiment was beautiful, as Sharon's work always is. The amount of blackness and beauty in the historic space was a treasure and there was an abundance of creativity and humor in the room. I just wasn't in the space to be fully present and receptive of it all. Hence my being in an "extended moment"; it is sort of a deep witnessing of what's happening around me, an acknowledgment of its beauty, and a deep contemplation of every single particle including my own response to the works/material/space/bodies in the room.  This makes me wonder about what kind of presence is required when audiencing at a specifically black/African-Diasporic art event....I think it requires a sense of presentness that is without ego and is instead in tune with what is happening right now. I don't think I could do that tonight.

Day 34: Make Myself Some Juice

I think this had kale, spinach, banana, strawberries, and avocado in it....

I've improvised on this one a bit. My old roommate Assi sent me this practice:

i got a juicer, and i make myself a juice when i'm feeling like i want to show myself some love.

I haven't juiced per se, but for the past three days (and for the next two) I have been undergoing a green-smoothie cleanse, supported by Ashe Holistic Health, where I "eat" nothing but smoothies made from fresh fruits and vegetables, drink water and/or herbal tea. I doing this program alongside two other friends of mine. All of us had our separate and varied reasons for undertaking this cleanse, mine were in order to clear out all that is not serving me (emotions, toxins, waste, etc.). For the past three years I've done around two cleanses a year, and the third day is always "hump day" where I'm craving all sorts of foods, from sushi to steak. However hump day is also the day where I feel the effects of the cleanse working themselves through my body (i.e. feeling more focused, a slowing down of the world around me, better waste management---yes, more poop). Right now, by body can only focus on my basic needs: sleep, food, and waste removal. I've also had to pay attention to the ways that my body is processing emotions. Rather then numbing (and perhaps extending?) the negative feelings I've been carrying from late last week, I find myself just "being in it." Allowing whatever feelings (joy, frustration, annoyance, etc.) to come up and work their way out--sans interruption from my mind. I can't fully explain it but it almost feels as though my body/spirit are in ownership of my wants and feelings instead of the other way around. Another interesting note, the urge to dull my senses through a Netflix marathon has also decreased.... 

Day 33: Read Good Fiction/Literature

My fellow grad students understand, there doesn't seem to be too much time to indulge in reading-for-pleasure; most of our precious reading time is spent on required courses or theoretical texts to ground our own research. Today, the sun was SHINING it was WARM and all I wanted to do was to read something delightful, light, and that would remind me about the joy of spending time with a good book. My friend Esther wrote me what she wished she could do for self-care: 

What I wish I had time to do: yoga and read good fiction/literature 

The first I've got built into my schedule, the latter not so much. Today, while heading out my door to a meeting I ignored the stack of books/articles I need to get to and instead grabbed a book I borrowed from my friend Margaret ('call Mom' Margaret): Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. Margaret said nothing but good things about this book and while I am only 20 pages in the book is sweet, clear, and a warm treat. The highlight of reading it: waiting on a bench for my bus to come, the sun shining on me and the pages of the book and feeling as though there was no better place to be but right (t)here. 

Esther, you should join me...

Day 32: Say No

It was a small victory. I was walking back to my apartment from my morning yoga class. As I rounded the corner to my street I saw, standing several blocks away from me but fixed in front of my building, an unmistakable congregation. The womens' sensible loafers, raincoats, modest but impeccable hairdos and outfits, as well as their small but efficient and overstuffed purses let me know that they could be nothing other than Jehovah's Witnesses. I slowed down my pace, hoping that by the time I made it two blocks down to my front door they might move and I wouldn't be forced to meet, greet, and interact with them in my normal awkward fashion. But they were fixed. It seemed as though they were buzzing every floor of my building's unit in order to get somebody---anybody. I chuckled to myself as I walked down the street and examined all my angsts: fearful of this mixed group of elderly women and trying to find someway of not interacting with them (Do I just walk around the block in the opposite direction? Do I run into a shop? Keep my head down and keep it moving?). It isn't that I'm unfriendly....I just didn't want the message or to deal with the insincere encounter...I just don't know how to do all that and still be nice and respectful. Tai's email came to mind immediately as a possible alternative: 

Say No. I used to be the yes-girl and would agree to so much until I burned myself out. Now I use discernment to determine who and/or what I allow myself to be involved with (at all costs). Saying no has become a liberating act of self-love.

I find it difficult to say "no" without feeling a sense of guilt. In this small moment, I thought that I could practice saying "no thank you," but from a source of gentleness, care, and respect for both others and myself. The encounters:

{As I'm walking towards my building's front door, a Jehovah's Witness in her mid-40s approaches me.}

JW1: Hello, how are you? I wonder if could just give you something.... (she is about pull out a leaflet and give it to me)

Me: Oh, no thank you ma'am. (I say this as I stare into her eyes, smile, and keep on walking)

JW1: Oh okay, not a problem.

{My front door, JW2 is standing in front, she's an older women, white hair, and looks like someone's nana}

Me: Morning, excuse me please (we dance around each other)

JW2: Morning. Do you leave here? Do you share a unit with floor 1?

Me: Yes ma'am. No I don't. 

JW2: Oh okay. Can I leave you with this....(she reaches and pulls out a leaflet)

Me: Oh no thank you ma'am (said as I look her in the eye)

JW2: Oh okay. Well could you tell me which unit you're in so that I can mark it down as 'not empty'? 

Me: Sure its [....]

JW2: Oh thank you! 

Me: You're welcome! Enjoy your day. 

I can't describe in full the sentiments exchanged, but it was all peaceful and sweet. I didn't know I could deliver a "no" with as much clarity, simple grace and respect as I did this morning. Small victory.

Day 31: Get Naked

I was raised with two sets of clothes: those for outdoors and those for play/lounging about the house. This morning my housedress was dirty and rather than spending time looking for something else I said, "FUCK IT!" I pulled it off and stayed naked as I did my chores, worked, and lounged about my house. Yep, dishes, sweeping, ordering room to room, checking emails nekkid. My shades were open (Day 3 letting light in!), the sun was streaming in, and there was not a damn thing on my body. I HATE being naked. I don't like feeling my wobbly-bits touching---or being reminded of my wobbly bits. BUT today, given all of the angsty and emotive feelings I've been having this past week, it felt down right liberating to have nothing dividing me from the space that I am living in and occupying. I owe this performance to my sister-friend Courtney:

there is one in particular keeps me happy: Not wearing clothes in my apartment. I jiggle, shake, succumb to gravity all in the confines of my apartment. 

Jiggle I did and it was soooooooooo delightful. A light-hearted way to take in my Sunday.