Day 13: Reorder My Home

One of the things I am learning through this performance is that I can’t always plan what self-care performance I’ll need or end up completing for the day. Yesterday, I was sure that Day 13’s performance would be more relaxed and intentionally un-demanding of my body—but I woke up this morning feeling a bit “unsettled” in my place, itching for something to move but not sure what.  I weighed several options: going to take a morning yoga class; going for a long walk; or spending my day listening to and making music (all practices that have been suggested to me that will come soon enough). Instead, I got out of bed and began cleaning; meticulously attending to my apartment–to the point where I spent at least 5-10 minutes reorganizing my DVD collection alphabetically. The idea was to get my space the way that I wanted it, in order so that it would make me feel good and comfortable,  ready for me to work, play, and relax. My friend Dwayne offered up this self-love practice that called me today more than anything else:

I start to reorder my home in a manner I love best - I move from room to room slowly putting things back into order, happy that I am being guided by a voice in my inside parts that directs me where to go. From this space comes nothing but self-love. I am inwardly directed by calm and reason from some phantom inside director whose motives and directives I have long ago given up any effort to make sense of. It leads me, I trust that it will make my home whole again, that it will allow me the time to get that reading done, those clothes washed, or that bed made. That it will afford me the joy I so desperately seek but always fear I never will find.

There is something about the external space that is tied to my internal feelings.  Generally, the more disorganized/scattered/fragmented my apartment feels, the more something is going on with me emotionally/mentally that needs to be worked-through. Attending to my apartment is like rebuilding my cocoon. The “joy” of reordering the space and listening to that guiding voice inside is that it allows for Dwayne/me to spend time in meditation; focusing our attention and desire on feeling good. Reordering my space, is a way of achieving some modicum of balance and beauty both externally and internally.