Day 29: Bake Bread

Stephanie emailed me all the reasons why this is at the top of her self-care routine: 

Bread baking accomplishes a number of different self-soothing techniques for me:

1. It forces me to exercise. Kneading is a remarkably high-energy process that compels me to focus on what I'm doing rather than ruminating on negative and anxious thoughts.

2. Repetitive physical activity soothes me. I feel in control, and I get to work out a lot of pent-up emotions by beating up dough. It's also a soothing tactile experience, kind of like squeezing a stress ball.

3. I get the satisfaction of a concrete accomplishment at the end of the process - ta-da, it's bread!

4. My apartment smells amazing.

5. My apartment is warm because the oven is on.

6. Fresh bread makes my tastebuds happy.

7. I'm able to feed other people with all the bread I bake, making me feel like I'm contributing to others's well-being which in turn increases my sense of self-worth.

Over to Stephanie's I went this afternoon for a bread-making party. We kneaded and baked a delicious rosemary, fennel and cardamon  baguette (it is so delicious that I need to hide the leftovers in my kitchen so I don't eat it all). Stephanie was pretty on point with her list of reasons; while we were in each other's company and able to distract ourselves with tea, wine, and ridiculous life stories, I can see how the physical act of baking bread alone could be soothing. There really was nothing like slice that bread while it was still warm from the oven and dipping it into olive oil.  I'm not ready to commit to baking bread on my own just yet, but there might be more bread-making parties in the future.

Kneading (Photo by Stephanie!)

The final and yummy result

Day 28: Black Angel Cards Reading

My friend Patricia offered to share one her self-care techniques with me, a tarot reading with a beautiful African-centered and Womanist deck created by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel, the "Black Angel Cards."  For personal reasons, I won't go into too much detail about the reading, but I journaled the following after the fact while heading back home on the train:

I feel like my insides match my outside. Like the heavy feeling of uncertainty and fear has finally come loose and shown me (rather, reassured me because I knew all along) what I need to do in order to truly heal and grow. This will be painful work; the pain that comes with stretching beyond what I thought were my measures. But it will also lead me towards my voice, my truths, and past my fears. 

"The Drummer" by Zenju Earthlyn Manuel
The cards are currently out of print but their is an independent campaign in order to republish. Please consider donating in order to spread the work. 

Day 27: Watch "Under the Tuscan Sun"

I'm mildy ashamed about my love of sentimental movies. In a continued effort to stop taking myself seriously, I'm calling it a night and following Carina's practice: 

Laugh- Sometimes I make myself watch a movie that I know will be ridiculous, romantic and/or inspirational The other day I watched A Little [Bit] of Heaven (streaming on Netflix...the title comes from something so random its a little absurd and hilarious). I would never watch a movie like that with Aaron, and am a little ashamed of watching movies with no real plot value and piss poor acting, but sometimes you need a good laugh and also a good cry. With all the academic reading and critical thinking we do, you just need to shut it all off and watch Kate Hudson be ridiculous. Under the Tuscan Sun- Guaranteed mood booster.*

I'm watching Under the Tuscan Sun...I love my girl Carina but couldn't bring myself to watch Kate Hudson (maybe later). 27 minutes in and had to pause the film to write this post. I want to enjoy my time with this movie instead of worrying about the "follow up" of writing a blog post. Me and my sofa are going to be best buds tonight. Now here's the important question: where's my gay romantic tour of Tuscany and why can't Sandra Oh be my best friend? 

The DVD menu from my tv screen...I need better photo options :-)

Day 26: Begin A Mindfulness Practice

The discussed candles....

I've been taking myself too seriously.  Carl, a mentor of mine, challenged me today to spend some time not thinking. After I blinked at him unsure about what that meant or how to even go about doing this, he suggested I try the following:

Meditate. Look at a candle and focus on the visceral experience of the candle. Its the beginning of developing a mindfulness practice. Empty your mind.

I wasn't even suppose to think about how the candle was flickering. For five minutes I was supposed to let all thoughts go. Carl said that if I did this activity today as my self care performance he wanted me to email him some of the thoughts that came up. Here's what I had to say:

I went to my yoga studio early to do this work. Lit my candles, sat myself on a mat and bolsters, and set my cellphone timer.  It is amazing how quickly a looong 5-minutes can pass. My brain was rapid fire. Series of thoughts popping up: the lights are flickering and dancing? what will I have for dinner? why can't I forget about so-and-so and what happened so-and-so night? my chest feels heavy and tight? the clock is ticking. I feel like i can't breath. maybe there's too much light and too many candles lit. maybe i should remove the bolster I'm sitting on. is the five minutes up? maybe I should try saying a few "Aum's". I begin saying "aum" and my chest feels a little lighter (I wonder if I am clearing out chakras?). I'm an orientalist. Must read more about chakras and aum before I start using them freely. okay. the aums are helping me to focus. I can be as loud as I need to be. {Phone vibrates. Times is up.}

At present, in writing this email and the ensuing blogpost, my chest feels a little lighter but as though there's more "guck" that needs to be released. It will be interesting to see where this lies in my future and how I can work on letting those things that sit before me *just be* (i.e. candles, people, situations).

Thanks and see you soon,

Kantara

***
A sort of update: I went to my yoga studio early for my work study and to take a yoga class.  I noticed a shift in energies between the time I had meditated and the time students began entering the space for class. It was like I had taken a happy pill.

Day 25: Call Mom

Ugh....I need to say of the bat that this performance failed.  Margaret's self-care performance includes: 

Call my mom. I try to turn the things that stress me out into funny stories to make her laugh.

I didn't have a funny story. Margaret is 'haha' funny and I realize that this form humor is not my strength. As Carina told me via text yesterday, "you're probably one of those inappropriate ironically funny children's party clowns." I can dig that. So I knew that I might not be able to make my mom laugh but I really  just wanted to talk to her and have her tell me that everything was going to be alright. That all my musings about love and life (I've been pretty heady and abstract these days) would settle and that everything is good. NOT WHAT HAPPENED. AT ALL. I forgot that I'm Haitian, my mother is Haitian, and that makes her (and me by default?) pragmatic. Nope; if it gets in the way of my school work then I need to cut out the obstacle. Interestingly enough, our conversation on love (what is it, how does it manifest, etc.) did lead to her sharing more of her personal stories/history with me, stories about her life and loves from before her marriage to my father. It was a glimpse into her world that I have never been granted. I didn't get the balm that I wanted from my conversation with my mother, but I got another piece of her life story that helps me understand who she is today and how and why her truths have come to be what they are in this present moment. 

Day 24: Walk Instead

I woke up this morning frustrated. My night hadn't gone quite as I expected and rather than sleeping off that disappointment it felt like it carried over into my morning and would threaten to taint the rest of my day. I laid in bed jittery and full of angsty-energy, needing to do something to release these feelings  and I had a strong craving for orange juice. I decided to combine these two urges: the doing and the hunt for oj. I made a long walk of my search. Rashida suggested this self-care practice:

My self love activity is put on a gospel song on repeat on your headphones--say Mary Mary's  Survive--and go for a brisk walk all the way to a grocery store or some errand you would normally train or drive to.*

I walked and I walked to and from my local Trader Joe's (4.2 miles round trip). I grabbed my ipod and pounded the pavement. I admit that half of my going to TJ's was spent replaying the events of the previous night (does anyone have a self-care practice for that?!). But at some points my body, the exercise/motion, the music, and endorphins kicked in allowing me to let go of some of those negative feels that were not serving me. I got me my calcium-added orange juice and some other thangs: bananas, hot chocolate, earl grey tea, chocolate chocolate, and a cactus plant...not that you needed to know that. 

*It wasn't until I looked back to see the full details of Rashida's self-care practice for this post that I realized that I only half-performed this routine. I missed the gospel song on repeat part and ended up listening to albums that make me feel good and light inside: My friend Mickey's band, Delicate Steve's Positive Force (on repeat for the past week in my home); Lady Gaga, "Starstruck"; K'naan's Troubador; and Mos Def's The Ecstatic. I think the end result is still the same, but wanted to acknowledge this performance misfire. 

Day 23: Do Something I've Never Done Before

I eschew all sporting events. I've missed many homecoming games all through junior high, high school, and college, and save for when I managed the boys JV lacrosse team (long story) I don't think I've seen a full sports match. Thus, when my friend Courtney scored two tickets to see Northwestern's football team play this afternoon, I resisted my normal urge to say 'no' and called up a self-care routine submitted to me by a friend:

                                         Do something I haven't done before.  

Dressed in three layers of thermal pants, t-shirts, long sleeves, sweatshirt, parka and snuggie(!) we went to that stadium ready to support our school and friends of ours on the team.....and it was SO MUCH FUN! HOLY CRAP! I get it now.  There was such a feeling of (dare I say) community (or communitas for those performance studies/anthropology geeks out there).  We were engaged in shenanigans in the stands with our fellow viewers, chatting about the game, cracking jokes, and trying to snatch one of those rolled up t-shirts that they shoot out of a what looks like a bazooka gun. Clearly I have no grasp on the lingo or the concepts, but I think I now know what it means to be "first down" and I'm actually considering going to more.  

Saved Ticket Stub